lets dance inside our song

2009-08-02T04:41:00.000-07:00

eat eat eat, gym gym gym, cook cook cook and sleep more dammit!

2009-07-14T10:15:00.000-07:00

hurt.. bt we'll move on soon!

2009-06-24T09:18:00.000-07:00

back from india.. man tht trip has put me in prespective.. ive decided my direction and now i just have to start.. i wanna have financial freedom.. i wanna be intelligent and know answers.. and big.. not just a small fry.. a forgotten face in the crowd.. i wanna be the standard.. i'm gonna start by looking for a new job with longer work hours..

i miss the kitchen..

2009-06-06T08:25:00.000-07:00

"i wish i was like you.. i wish i didnt care about anyone.."

lines been stuck in my head for the past few days.. to be honest i do care.. i have ALOT of thoughts in my mind.. but i'm just so scared to feel.. i'm really scared to feel..its so difficul to express my self.. i dont like to feel.. cause when i feel i cant focus.. and if i cant focus..i get damm depressed.

i honestly just feel so alone and i'm just putting on this happy go lucky facade.. i'm not happy.. i'm not sad.. i just feel like theres a fight between my heart and head..i feel sad that there may never be a person i could emotionally connect with..

2009-06-01T21:04:00.001-07:00

good shit.. watch this..

2009-06-01T09:31:00.000-07:00

suddenly thought of this song today.. =)

2009-05-30T06:30:00.000-07:00

fuck man.. i cant remember the last time i felt this way.. its awesome in a way..i dint think it was possible..i had narrowed down hope to a strand of white hair in 10kg of cake flour..

and then i found hair! YAAY!

2009-05-20T06:21:00.000-07:00

this one really makes me happy..

anyway.. god, i dont know if u read blogs.. but if u do, thank you..

2009-05-18T02:33:00.001-07:00

i think i need to be accepting and less critical.. i cant stand people like that

2009-05-12T07:34:00.000-07:00

i'm not a believer of tests and bull shit but i did it trying to prove a friend wrong that tests like this are all jargon.. unfortunately this time this one got me.. its fucking spot on.. and very very freakly close..

Name: Sam
Date: 5/12/2009
Colorgenics Number: 73052164

Is it that you are working - or even playing - too hard? Because it would seem that you are experiencing a great deal of pent-up emotion at this time which could possibly take effect and lead to irrational behaviour.

Rejection is what you fear the most and it is this fear that makes you unapproachable. You are looking for acknowledgement and above all looking for people who can appreciate you for who and what you are.

It's the old old story - I am misunderstood - my partner (be it in your private life or in business) just doesn't understand me and YOU also believe at this time that you are being completely MISUNDERSTOOD by one and all. It then obviously follows that you naturally feel inhibited and not appreciated. It is perhaps because of this belief that you feel compelled to stand back and let the rest of the world go by. As for developing a firm relationship - inwardly deep down in your subconscious mind you are wary of even trying to get close to another person because you feel that if you open up your heart and feelings you are sure to get hurt. Since you are living in a society where close relationships are the norm, you feel that there is that need to conform, but any close relationships of any magnitude that you may have tried in the past have unfortunately left you without any sense of emotional involvement.

You pretend that you are a carefree individual and that nothing really bothers you - that you are so self-sufficient that whatever problems beset you they simply flow off you as water flows off a ducks back. You are experiencing considerable stress, trying to conceal yourself from the rest of the world. In actual fact - deep down, you are not at all happy. You feel lonely and you need someone with whom you can 'Let your hair down' and share your hopes, dreams and high standards. You are imposing unnecessary self restraint on yourself. You would like to demonstrate the unique quality of your character to all and sundry.

At this time you don't particularly like yourself. Everything that you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong. This makes you feel that there is no point in trying to start again. Apart from being stressed and tense, you are angry with yourself and have unadmitted self-contempt. Your refusal to admit that you and you alone is the basic cause of your problems leads to you adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude. If you take stock of yourself, smile a little and let go, everything will turn out OK. Have you not heard of the cliche 'smile and the world smiles with you - cry and you cry alone!'?

2009-05-11T09:35:00.000-07:00

i watched ramen girl today

this first scene where she meets the old lady is prob the only scene tht made sence to me.. everything else was too rushed..

anyway.. xy wants to see my body cause she wants me.. so here is what i am now 18 weight years later! so much fat but still so fucking skinny..

the biggest gainer competition.. or how ever u spell it..

2009-04-26T06:59:00.000-07:00

hello to all less than 3 people who read my blog.. i'm embarking on a massive weight gain prog starting tml..being monday the 27 of April for the next hopefully 6 months.. its actually a competition.. 10 winners get to go to spain. who cares if i dont win.. ultimately u're natually a winner for just gaining weight which is the ideal goal. in these 6 months i hope to gain at least 20 pounds of lean muscle.. which according to pro standards is quite little.. average of 3 pounds a month..

i cant really excersise my legs due to this horrid knee injury i got this year but i'm gonna blast my upper body like mad..

and i'm gonna make it as clean as possible.. meaning prob fast food just once or twice a week..

so here i start.. this was me last april..

yummy...!!! look at the sexy bones..

zzzz

2009-04-03T10:07:00.000-07:00

smth is wrong with me.. the past few nights i havent been able to sleep well.. all i keep thinking abt is the restraunt.. sales hit an all time low on a friday today.. so much wasted food..

its like all eyes are on me to run the place.. my hair is turning white and i feel rather weak in the evenings.. ok i'm not complaining.. its just ughh.. i'm just moody cause i cant atleast sleep well..

2009-04-01T14:11:00.000-07:00

guidance can only take u so far..

proper guidance can make u stand firm to establish your mark..

esp with excessive caffinee..

heart sunken

2009-03-31T03:42:00.000-07:00

today i teared..

i've been blessed to be in the presence of a great cook..

someone who i regard as a mother in the kitchen..

for the past few months i started working at this korean restraunt and was put looked after by auntie wong.. she rocked all my principals of the kitchen..

a professional kitchen is a place in which one is brought to believe that they have to work their way up from the bottom. dish washing.. cleaning up.. tossing salads.. basic cutting is what newbies to restraunts do.. for her it was the other way.. shed never let us do any of the cleaning.. she had her eyes everywhere.. teaching us even the more advanced dishes.. never scolding us when we did it wrong.. always reminding us to be better cooks.. she was always smiling.. she cooked awesome lunches everyday for us hungry and roudy boys.. there was so much love in her towards the kitchen and her peers..

today was the last time she cooked us our favourite sweet and sour fish.. and cleaned up after us cause we were too busy handling orders..

i really feel so overwhelmed with emotions right now.. even my partner ata was saying he felt like tearing.. but why? people come and go..its the natural way of life..

but how many of those folks touch your hearts and share what ever knowledge with u.. who teach u to stand on your two feet.. who are selfless and put you before themselves.. how many? i'm not one of those people definately.. even as i write this i feel so much of a sinking feeling..

i'm honered to have worked with an angle in the kitchen.. a true chef who never deemed her self fit to be one.. a 55 year old with the sprit of a 25 year old.. her ways of teaching will never be forgotten.. and i know as much as i'm not like her, i wish to attain qualities like her..

she doent know how to use the internet but for the heck of it, all of us are gonna miss you.. our darling auntie wong.

wtf.. so dam gay.. ughhh

2009-03-30T07:34:00.001-07:00

sinking....

2009-03-27T09:01:00.000-07:00

its finally friday nite..

i havent been able to sleep well for the past few nights..

my hair is turning white and my eye bags are heavy.. it needs to be died again..

plans for selling the house in india are not going too good.. if that doesnt work america may be delayed again..

i'm not happy.. and i never thought i'd say this, but i'm feeling the stress lately.. always thought it didnt exist..

2009-03-18T10:30:00.000-07:00

just so dam tired..

i find my self going through a change.. i need to set my ground rules and stick to them.. fucking wasting precious minutes..

but i'm so fucking tired...

2009-03-04T06:08:00.001-08:00

jason mraz tml..

AM psy-ked..

ABSOLUTELY ZERO..

2009-03-03T05:51:00.000-08:00

You. You were a friend. You were a friend of mine I let you spend the night
You see how it was my fault. Of course it was mine.
I'm too hard at work. Have you ever heard of anything so absurd ever in your life.
I'm sorry for wasting your time.

Who am I to say this situation isn't great when it's my job to make the most of it?
How could I ever know that it would happen to me. Not that easy.

Hey what's that you say? You're not blaming me for anything that's great
But I don't break that easy. Does it fade away?
So that's why I'm apologizing now for telling you I thought that we could make it
I just don't get enough to believe that we've both changed.

Who am I to say this situation isn't great? It's my time to make the most of it
How would i ever know that this would happen to me, not that easy, no, no, no, no

If all along the fault is up for grabs why can't you have it
If it's for sale what is your offer, I'll sell it for no less than what I bought it for
Pay no more than absolutely zero.

Well neither one of us deserves the blame because opportunities moved us away
And it's not an easy thing to learn to play a game that's made for two that's you and me
The rules remain a mystery. See it was so easy.

Who am I to say this situation isn't great? It's our time to make the most of it
How could we ever know that this would happen to me, not that easy, no
All along the fault is up for grabs and there you have it
Well it's for sale go make your offer, well i sell it for no less than what I bought it for
Pay no more than absolutely zero.

2009-02-27T09:22:00.001-08:00

really really strange day of skating.

heel flips.. varial flips and Bs flips.. wtf..

2009-02-22T16:03:00.000-08:00

whats the point of peoples opinions if your dam minds are fucking made up..

i'm growing inward and its makinging me very irritable..

2009-02-09T06:35:00.001-08:00

i realised i was wrong.. i was wrong cause i didnt call back.. i was afraid.. i still am..

2009-02-08T07:29:00.001-08:00

fuck

2009-02-06T08:36:00.000-08:00

i'm dam stressed.. i might have gout.. fuck..

2009-01-17T01:41:00.000-08:00

it hit me.. i'm seriously dam bummed out i cant go to sch till the end of the year.. i feel dam lazy. and sian.. like just.. like fuck man.. all i could think abt was going to school my whole of NS and now i have to wait..

i miss my gordon ramsay book

2009

2009-01-05T02:45:00.001-08:00

new years resolutions..

live like 2008 and be happy..

gain more weight..

read more..

2009-01-02T09:29:00.000-08:00

2009 begins.. and it already sucks..

2008-12-06T06:32:00.000-08:00

It is done..

ORD-OHHHHHH.. sort off

2008-12-04T05:43:00.000-08:00

i just got told i got 487 buckaroos credited to my acc cause i'm singaporean..

i just got told i dont have to do any work tml at the office.. i'm free to relax and loiter..

i've just been told i'm awesome.. by my self.. true story..

oh.. and so is the elephant..

POWER

2008-11-24T06:16:00.000-08:00

have u ever felt like u were destined to do smth.. to be someone who could make a difference.. whod revolutionise some weird way of life..

today when i was buying chicken, i felt that way.. maybe i'm watching too much heroes.. or maybe i feel that spark growing in me again..

anywayy... 79 KG!!! =D

2008-11-16T07:08:00.000-08:00

i'm just wandering around blankly these days waiting for the days to go by.. i'm sorry if i dont feel like meeting people.. i'm not depressed or anything.. i'm just abit phased out that i will have to find my place again after this NS gig finishes..

i just want to take photos.. stone.. and watch reruns of downloaded shows.. i want to take walks alone.. i want to eat at places alone.. i want to skate the streets of novena like i used to..

i seriously dont know what i'm gonna do when i start clearing leave.. its like i want to.. but i dont want to..

i really enjoyed my national service..

sucks now that i feel like i'm becoming a man.. fuck me..

dont stop till you get enough

2008-11-08T11:29:00.000-08:00

1 month more of official work in NS..

its been good.. i'm glad i'm a sergant at last.. unfortunately it came too late.. kinda when i'm sort of switching off.. ah its all good..

i feel bad that i cant be there so much for people.. during the day i'm just not in the mood to call or sms people..work and the gang are just too distracting.. and during the evenings i'm just at gym and i insist on sleeping by 10+.. its like i dont want to have a social life.. which is bad.. i realised i've really drifted apart from everyone once close to me.. unfortunately it doesnt scare me.. its not that i'm lost on what to say.. its just that i rather just not say..

1 more month and cooking starts.. i'm pretty nervous actually.. starting from scratch and all.. working almost full time in a restaurant.. WOO HOO!!

i need more.. this is just not enough for me.. i need to be more powerful.. NOW!

2008-10-21T07:19:00.001-07:00

i look at my self in the mirror.. and say fuck this shit..

2008-10-17T11:51:00.000-07:00

so.. here maybe the only place where i prob can talk without bragging or bringing someone down..i'm happy.. i'm getting promoted.. i'm happy cause of the pay.. i'm happy cause i conquered my fears of foot drill.. i'm happy cause of those 7 hours spent doing my presentation prep i got second highest.. i'm happy that the point difference was only 0.5 and that as much as i was shitting in my pants, i didnt.. i got heat rash though.. i'm happy i could ollie properly FOR TODAY.. at least today... i'm happy i landed 3 nollie bigspin heels.. go you tube it.. i'm happy i'm 77 + and cant see my ribs..

its strange.. i hardly seem to fit in anywhere.. i feel dam quiet..and reluctant to share emotions.. i'm ok.. sure there are tonnes of things getting me down.. unfortunately half of them arnt even my probs but i cant do jack shit for the people who have them.. dam gay.. i need stoning..

i'm also glad i got posted to PAD..

2008-10-15T23:37:00.001-07:00

u see.. this is why i dont like getting emotionally attached to people..

when they feel like cutting u off, its just your prob to deal with it your self..

i dont really believe in hope these days.. i believe in calculative risks..

my guards up.. its gonna be up for a very long time..

2008-10-03T03:30:00.000-07:00

i'm happy that u're happy..

it just disturbs me that i believed in you but i should have listend to your bro when he told me i was wasting my time..

like i always say.. god is fair.. he makes u pretty, but fucking stupid as hell..

wont be long before the crap starts ALLLLL over again..

on another note.. I"M SINGAPOREAN!!! (in 2 days..)

2008-10-01T07:41:00.000-07:00

standing alone in this huge room with machines and heavy compact thingy's made me realise how much pain i was in at that very moment. my stomach on the verge of tossing everything i had eaten in the past hour out all over the rubber mats.. my palms and forearms in so much pain i had to use my the alternate hands to close each other. the reoccouring question is, ah fuck why am i doing this..? whats the bloody point?

i'll tell you whats the point. the point is when you walk down orchard road and bump into your old friends and they notice you've gotten bigger.. when your clothes feel tighter.. when you for the first time feel like spanking your self when you look at your butt in the mirror.. thats the fucking point.. and thats what i kept telling my self when i wanted to drop the weights yesterday.. thats what i kept telling my self when did my 2.4.. one more one more one more one more one more..

but heres the fucked up thing.. i cant do it alone.... every individual aspect that can be done i am doing. from nutrition to rest to actually bringing shit to work to make sure i'm getting the best time management for my stomach.. the most important thing is the gym but my gym mates are just too caught up in strange excuses. ok to me they are excuses..

so i went to town today.. and then i met an old someone whom i dont know why the hell i'm so attracted to.. shes fat.. short.. horrible dress sense.. but still i dont know why i think shes so dam gorgeous.. i dont like her.. i just like being around her.. i like talking to her.. its strange cause i'd never do anything to like try to win her heart.. i guess cause most of the time this year i've been feeling like no one can even cause me to gain just a little interest in them.. and i like having interest in someone.. i havent had that feeling in a long time..

2008-09-25T07:39:00.000-07:00

maybe i should have fought for what i wanted.. and the slight heart sunk feeling still lingers..

but it should be ok i guess..

2008-09-24T06:32:00.000-07:00

whats the point of having all the treasure in the world if u have no one to share it with..

yes its just one of those nights where i wonder why i'm so fucking picky abt everything..

ughh

2008-09-07T08:55:00.000-07:00

The most interesting thing about heart transplants is that one completely loses his own heart and be replaced with someone else's yet still has the feelings for the same person he/she loves. This proves that love works in the minds of people and not in their hearts. Bottomline is, love is a state of mind. You'll learn how to forget only if you try doing so. - Dr. Burke, Grey's Anatomy.

crashed, picked up and sowed back stronger and colder.. _|_

this is why i blog

2008-09-06T09:22:00.000-07:00

lets face it.. we all have problems.. things that are bothering us cause life isnt a bed of roses..

i'm a happy person.. unfortunately i'm not happy right now.. i havent been in quite some time.. i've been getting fustrated and annoyed with alot of things.. and ive been surpressing my feelings.. i know i have.. i just brush em aside and hope they go away.. i keep thinking ah, why should i take this shit to heart.. i feel bad if i were to start complaining.. cause when other people tell me their probs, i feel mine are fucking stupid.. so instead of sharing, i just try to comfort em and shut up.. why lay my sorrows on you when already have so much to deal with.. let me be your pillar to lean on even if its for a little while.. and honestly, i really dont mind.. everyone needs ears to talk to to feel better..

sometimes i feel like snapping back at idiots.. most of the time i feel like snapping back at stupidity.. i hate it when people assume things with me.. it peeves me off.. i do believe in respect for the older and wiser and more experienced.. i do believe in respecting seniors and juniors and i do believe i deserve some respect as well. i care alot and too much infact abt the people around me.. what sucks is when they use it agaisnt me..i can tell dumbfucks from real folk and i know i'm street smart.. when people piss me off, i just compare my self to them in my head like so..

eg;

look at you and look at me. you're fucking 40 and working full time in a restraunt earning fuck to survive.. u have no friends and you have disgusting teeth and well.. i'm young and well, i'm young and i thank you for making me realise i dont want to live a life like yours.. so if you wanna fuck me up and think u're better than me, so be it.. theres no succesful courieer, just successful people.. u're a successful fuck..

there i feel bad that i even judge these people and i really should not take things to heart.. and then i feel bad like my probs are so fucking lame.. this is why i dont share and appear like my life is a party.

this is why i blog.. why bother others.. i feel better already..

2008-08-27T06:54:00.000-07:00

i usually blog when i'm not in a good mood..

but i had a wonderfulday with xy and bumping into mag for a while..

i'm in a pissy mood..

this whole food poisioning pandemic has made me realise how skinny i've become.. i'm fucking depressed and angry.. i feel dam lousy.. worst part is, i need to keep shitting every few hours.. ALL SO SUDDENLY!

i'm dam pissed lar.. and then i have to fucking go back to work tml to fucking prep for a fucking visit.. and theres a party at eltoro i might not be able to cook for cause of this bull shit.. i know ns is my prior commitment but fuck me.. vgfwoabjgfwjoh;gojksfnasklfa AARRHTHTHGHGGHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!

woo

2008-08-26T09:02:00.000-07:00

HI XY!! =D

2008-08-23T09:33:00.000-07:00

i just realised come april, i've been cooking for 3 years.. and i still dont know so muchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

i still had an awesome service today..

this week, i'm gonna buy a shit load of parsley, and chop chop chop awayyyyy!! next week smth new!

WOO!

2008-08-20T04:45:00.000-07:00

i never thought this day would would come where i'd feel so detached from u..
all along i thought seriously nth could tear us apart.. but now i feel like i cant talk to u anymore.. i just feel so distant from you..i feel like u're a different person.. i feel like i dont know u anymore.. i mean yes u have your own life.. partially cause i'm busy too.. but maybe we've grown up.. my silly ness doesnt fit your personality no more..

its sad lar.. i feel sad.. and honestly, i miss you..

this is so fucking gay..

anyway, i'm back in the kitchen kicking ass.. NS sucks even more especially cause i got a taste of the sweeet sweeeet adreniline from my service.
no i dont need a holiday, i need a life...

2008-07-25T22:22:00.000-07:00

i lost my ipod..

got stolen from bag..

sucked totally at ollieing..

and i hate new urban males again..

i am begining to detest skinny people who dont want to help them selfs.. and fat people who say their trying to loose but still not loosing.. i'm begining to understand teachers.. people say its impossible to gain weight.. i'm gonna prove it is possible.. and i'm gonna help skinny people who wanna help them selves.. but i hate stubborn ones..

oh god dammit.. people please stop lying to your selfs saying that u're fine.. u're not..

stop the fighting.. start the listening..

thanks lucy..

sunday

2008-07-24T05:11:00.000-07:00

in a way i cant wait for sunday.. a nice walk in the evening.. all i can hope for is a clear sky.. i dont know why but it makes me happy..

a beautiful mess

2008-07-23T05:23:00.000-07:00

HOOO SOMEONE SAID I LOOK LIKE I PUT ON WEIGHT TODAY!

HOO HOO! for prob the first time in my life..

anyway.. things i need to do..

1 apply for citizen ship
2 apply for sch
3 convince more people that i'm fat.
4 get fat..
5 study for SATs
6 go and freaking apply for the dam french classes

this is a beautful song by mraz.. it makes me feel like i'm on cloud 9.. fuck i'm feeling dam gay these days lar.. maybe i'm developing ovaries from the soyabean milk i'm drinking..

You’ve got the best of both worlds
You’re the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again.
You are strong but you’re needy,
Humble but you’re greedy
And based on your body language, your shouted cursive I’ve been reading.
You’re style is quite selective, though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is.

And what a beautiful mess this is,
It’s like picking up trash in dresses.

Well it kind of hurts when kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions, dear
‘Cause here we are, here we are.

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they’re quick and probably have to do with your insecurities
There’s no shame in being crazy, depending on how you take these
Words on paraphrasing this relationship we’re staging.

And what a beautiful mess this is,
It’s like picking up trash in dresses.

Well it kind of hurts when kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
kind and courteous is life I’ve heard
But it’s nice to say that we played in the dirt, oh, dear
Cause here we are, Here we are.

Here we are x7

We're still here.

What a beautiful mess this is,
It’s like taking a guess when the only answer is yes.

And through timeless words, in priceless pictures
We’ll fly like birds not of this earth
And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that’s no concern when we’re wounded together
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But it’s nice today, all the wait it was so worth it.

all you wanted..

2008-07-22T07:26:00.000-07:00

so lonely inside...
so busy out there..
and all u wanted was some body who care-eee-yeaaa-eaaass

my social life. is dead.. seriously.. nth.. zilch.. kapich!! i spend my week ends at home and at starbucks reading.. no one calls.. i cant think of no one to call either.. i never used to be like this.. did i cut of so many people while i was attached? i feel so so so fucking disconnected.. i had a life!!

its not that everyones busy.. i just cant think of anyone.. ughhh..

god it feels so strange.. i feel like liz lemon..without boobs.. and i'm like 69.8 kg.. 2oo more grams to first goal.. still.. it sucks.. and no i'm not emo.. i'm not sad.. i just feel strange.. and i'm still happy.. i must have some happy gas pipe leak in my room or smth..

zhi zhu..

2008-07-19T07:25:00.000-07:00

to be contented.. or content.. i cant figure out which is the right tense to use.. what ever..

yes.. i am also a people hater.. i hate sooooooooo many things.. everyfuckingtomdickandharryisanewurbanmalegayohfuckme.. but today, i found 2 more people haters.. it aint that bad when u're not alone..

i'm lazy to explain.. BUT i realised i havent been having much family guy and american dad time.. tonight shall be that night..

kitchen kitchen kitchen..

2008-07-18T10:24:00.000-07:00

You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh elephant cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh elephant cause you'll always be my baby

this weeks been WAYYY better than last.. saw my weight hit 69 for the first time in my life.. it was so amazing.. and to help ky also put on 5.. its just.. amazing for skinny people..

i'm happy... happy for my standards set.. once again.. its an amazing feeling when officers come and compliment u on jobs well done..its no one else.. its just you.. wa lao.. still i cant wait for the kitchen.. its just everything to me.. when people say, wa lao charles how are u gonna find a replacement for sam.. when they say, ltc charles is lucky he has u if not he'll be an angry person.. when other officers say i should get boys like u in my department.. it just makes me feel all the more important and part of the branch.. like i'm once again shown that we're not just nsfs who photo copy papers and do dispatch work or count shit.. we are capable of being exeptional in our small circles. still i cant wait for kitchen.. kitchen kitchen kitchen.. i'm not trying to brag.. i just still feel overwhelmed sometimes cause of being the looser all my life.. nw i've come to accept the fact that hey fuck it, i dont have a poly diploma.. big deal.. i made the right decision.. i'm not soft of unfocused.. i know where i need to be in life..

i like taking photos of people.. when u take a photo of someone, they get the attention.. its like, they're in the spot light.. i like putting people in the spot light and letting them feel important.. sure when most of them smile, their teeth look creepy.. but what ever..

so yes..

kung fu panda

2008-07-13T08:43:00.000-07:00

i watched that movie today.. supprisingly its quite good.. as in it had alot of good punch lines..

i went for a walk today after cutting my hair.. people have forgotten about this earths wonders.. NO i'm not gonna go into that ohhh dont litter save the world shit..

but yeah.. the black sky.. white clouds.. gay moon.. shiny stars.. palm trees.. its refreshing..

so yes.. emo one day, happy another.. well i'm only happy cause my protein suppliment is coming in this week.. haha..

END OF THE YEAR I"LL BE BIG! SO FUCK U!

the sky is yours

2008-07-12T11:47:00.000-07:00

u see.. only now people like this song when its actually pretty old..

and i realised i'm becoming fucking cynical.. i'm begining to complain abt everything.. theres always some nitty gritty detail that annoys me..

anyway.. yes.. 6 months before the year ends.. i need to submit my application for school.. i cant wait man.. only 6 months left to bulk up.. this time theres no stopping me..

u see.. i love living.. walking and looking at the sky and moon and stars at night.. i love taking pictures of people.. people watching.. car watching.. walking and singing.. skateboarding through crowds.. singing and driving.. singing loudly and driving.. screaming and driving.. i love the speed.. the freedom.. i love travelling from one place to another.. i love night walks with my ipod.. i like the peace and quiet.. i like being near but far.. i just hate new urban males with their slippers and skinny shoulders.. i love reading alone at starbucks..

but then.. at times it sucks to be alone all the time.. all this solitute cuts u off from people.. and then at times, theres just no one to talk to.. and all u have is your self to blame.. i'm confused..

2008-06-14T01:07:00.000-07:00

jason mraz is coming to singapore for singfest in 50 days or so!

i forgot to mention the following as stated by my friend kenneth tham

she must love kung pow
she must love me wearing brown pants with brown gum shoes
she must experience a sexual high when viewing guy marianos part in Fully Flared
she must not be a cam whore (actually not too much of a cam whore)
she must know how to drive (i mean seriously you cant trust ken, he's a very aggressive driver)
she must be able to keep the car at 2RPM to save petrol
she must enjoy stealing stuff

ken

2008-06-10T06:56:00.000-07:00

i feel like i'm in love with a girl.. and shes in love with me.. but shes forced to marry someone else.. because of stupid reasons..

but i guess its ok... ok i'm not in love with a girl.. and no one exists.. its just a feeling from events happening around me..

on another note, i guess its hit me once again.. i'm single.. 23, and am weird.. as in my sence of thinking.. first impressions wise on a work prespective, i know i'm ok.. first impressions with a girl.. HA.. and then i dont know.. i'm just so picky abt everything.. maybe i'm not picky.. but the girls are just sooo fucking annoying.. or weird.. or just not worth making time for.. as in.. its not that they're not worth it.. to someone they will be a dream come true.. but for me, its just nt right.. slowly ive come to realise waht i like

shes gotta be confidant.. not pushy....
shes gotta have high EQ.
she must not be like my mum.
shes gotta have her weak side..
shes gotta not be one of those complain freaks who just whine abt everything..
shes gotta at least offer to pay for smths of her self..
shes gotta not be materialistic..
shes gotta so be cool with her past of crappy x bfs and not one of those emo swines " OHHH HE HURT ME ILL NEVER BE ABLE TO LOVE! EVERYONE LEAVES BOO HOO!"

she cant be indian.. HAHA
shes gotta love stoning and doing nth and exploring....
shes gotta be some god at her work place.. i dig chicks who work hard at work with enough time for me of course.
shes gotta like jason mraz.. and no i'm not talking abt his bloody radio friendly crap.
shes just gotta be an idiot..spontanious, lazy, smelly yet fresh, messy yet beautiful, stylish yet cha-pa-lang.
and for gods sakes shes gotta speak good english please!
and i hate act cool chicks.. bleah..

shes gotta live high..

u see i'm so picky.. ok i could scrap a few points.. like the songs. But thats as far as i go..ok thats just one.. i dont think i'll ever settle down.. casue even if a girl like that did come my way, she prob wouldnt like me..

hyde and jeckle

2008-06-01T08:21:00.000-07:00

party was great... too much alcohol.. and its not cool when the chef gets drunk.. i guess thats what i gotta learn from this.. but hey i dont regret it.. i got 2 awesome partners who are extremly capable of taking care of things when i'm blank.

i asked alvin what he dreams to be when hes older..

a jack of all trades he being just had one thing that made me feel good abt his future.. maybe even our future.. heres one fellow who knows how to party, and work hard at the same time.. he wants to make people happy.. and so do i.. starting a restraunt isnt easy.. u need the chef, u need the management, and u need a location.. and many many more stupid factors which are fucking annoying.. i was thinking abt weather i'd be a worker, a chef who just works in a restraunt. or an owner come chef.. works and owns it..senior managment.. i always envisioned it as a one man thing.. and its terrifying.. 24-7 u're a one man army against every body trying to suck money out of u.. who do u trust.. i'd trust alvin and ken.. and opening a restraunt my self would be impossible.. but i know if alvin and i did it, we'd be successful.. we'd give people what they want..fame is not our goal..

i really need to put on weight..

the benchmark

2008-05-28T06:53:00.000-07:00

i've finally started gym and body is aching, i started studying for my SAT's today.. i think 1hour everyday should be sufficient. honestly i'm phy-ked.. all i think abt is culinary school.. running through menus, tasting new things, cutting my hand and braving through it.. making new friends of similar interests.. its like i'm just waiting to kickstart my hearrT..

now begins the bragging para..
today i received a major major major ego/confidance boost.. i was in the confrence room running through all the visit details repeatedly in my head, and the director of operations and chief medical officer( both of them are full Colonels)were talking abt their senior director stuff.. then the Dir Ops asked me, wa.. how on earth is PAD gonna survive when u ORD. youve built quite a name for your self. at first it didnt hit me.. i just gave a very shallow haha.. er.. dunno.. i have 5 more months so lets make the best of it..

i then got carried away talking on the phone to someone i cant remember who abt the visit. Maj Charles then walked in to check on them and they were talking abt the visit. the next thing u know, dir ops asked maj charles where he found an NSF like me.. and maj charles said one thing that literally just made me feel like i grew two wings.. "i only select the best". dam i was floating..

the next few moments of floating was again brought down by a series of phone calls again.. but nevertheless, it made me realise one thing.. all those days where i demanded things be done again and again till they were perfect, the times i heard people make that "chizt" sound when they got annoyed my constant nagging.. it was all worth it.. it made me feel like a bench mark.. a gordon ramsay.. but in this case.. a sam.. i was the one that people looked to for direction.. a quality control..

what ever you bring forward, is you on a plate.. crappy or not, you decide what you want people to think..

ok enough of self praise.. haha..

here are some gay quotes i i start harrassing people with soon..

There are two things, the level of consistency and not becoming static. You can't be good on a Thursday, and then not bad on a Friday.

One thing we’ve never done – and I think it’s crucial to the success of the business – is taken customers for granted. We’ve never sent out a dish and said, ‘They won’t notice the difference, send it! They won’t know what the sea bass is two-and-a-half minutes overcooked. I'd rather keep the customer waiting 15 minutes and get it perfect

Everyone thinks you’re an arsehole to work for because you get straight to the point. I’ve the most amazing relationship with my guys, and yeah, if things go wrong, they have to take it. But I expect just as much from myself as I do from them

It's important not to rely on approval from outside the team. It's about every day achievement; we have to start from scratch every day. We don't think in terms of what we've got and how good we are. I'm not interested in reading a complimentary letter; I want to see a complaint letter.

people watching

2008-05-21T05:51:00.000-07:00

Well I'm just people watching
The other people watching me
And we're all people watching
The other people watching we
We're as lonely as we wanted to be
We're all as lonely as we wanted to be

wed.. i decided to grab a chicken cutlet and ice tea instead of the usual starbucks..

theres this new bistro that just opened outside novena.. somehow,i want to talk to the chef.. he just looks so know-ledge-able.. some angmo guy.. he has no sign on his cafe, just a very homely O-Briens look, just a huge green board as a sign.. an assortment of wine. i dont know.. i'm still to scared to enter..

so i just sat outside.. people watching.. car watching, auntie watching, small kid watching, maid watching, building watching, clock watching.. i still am feeling abit lazy to do anything these days.. well its the break.. monday, i start gym and SATs..i hope.. HAHA.. and 30th june, finally french lessons. god i can taste america.. and a new garde marger cook book..

Heres to sleeping at 10 for the next 5 months and 8 days.. !

gold

2008-05-16T11:22:00.000-07:00

Yes.. finally.. the big HOO HAAA.. the big(well small) gold little badge thing i;ve been making so much noise abt.. well, plus the 200 bucks bonus.. mentally its made me stronger.. i mean for blanking out my mind when in pain.. I THINK OK! i know if i was asked to do it again i'd prob be dam slow. my mum already told me i had accheived alot esp after being asthametic..but not having the gold last thurs was dam demoralising..

i was really very grumpy on friday cause i couldnt sleep at night.. ok its just a gold thing.. but it was smth i'd been working for since feb.. this goal.. this level of fittness..i forfetted last week cause i missed the timings, and that night, all i could think abt were numbers.. running through my head.. where i was supposed to be, each and every corner in the track.. i needed to do it.. i knew i could and that day i was rock bottom.. my level of fittness is smth i've prob been mocked at all my life.. even now, today people are asking me.. eh u sure u got gold or not.. so skinny.. but thats the amazing part isnt it.. me and ahmad.. pes c bloody clerks are fitter than alot of gundus at the fire stations.. its just a point we want to make that just cause of our injuries or past disabilities, we're still equal.. and tough.. and can type out your reports really quickly..

and yes i'm fucking proud of it.. and we're shit as proud to display it.. it contrats so nicely against the uniform and matches the rank.. HAHAHA. but i mean i'm grateful alot of people believed in me.. ahmad xy.. the mum and the dad..

its like haha.. i hate to say this but like my very on first michillen star..The guide's restaurant ratings using Michelin stars are probably the most recognized and influential culinary ratings in western Europe. one star ("a very good restaurant in its category"),two stars ("excellent cooking, worth a detour"), three stars ("exceptional cuisine, worth a special journey"). ok not even close.. but u know.. and i want to help those gundus who want to pass..

so now a chapter closes and i need to get to my next goal.. the SATS, chinese, and french.. hitting 75 kg by dec and of course, lots of skate boarding..

i find my self getting very irritating.. maybe i am abit too gung ho abt ns.. its not ns.. its just the job.. it so at times makes me feel like i'm in the kitchen experditing orders and planning and executing, checking stocks, training people, sorcing for contacts and cleaning as i go.. honestly, last year untill august, it was prob impossible to feel this way.. but lately all i can think abt is work.. what needs to be done the next day, who needs to be where.. what i can suggest. what can wait.. its kinda exciting.. like the kitchen.. the adereniline rush from time sensitive issues.. this quest for perfection.. makes time just fly by..

so yeahh 6 weeks time the stress fracture should heal and er.. yeah.. gay..

clockwatching..

2008-05-03T07:51:00.000-07:00

what time is it? its not 3pm.. its not 2 am.. the time is now.. NOW! just stop and look.. all the goals u wanted to achive.. all the dreams u wish u had.. indeed it is tml i'll start.. or next week.. but when that next week becomes today, u better be full steam ahead..

Take off both your shoes and clothes I’ll follow
Undo corkscrew drink from the half of a broken bottle
Lately we’re running out of time, aren’t we?
Smoking often and calling out our guilty pleasures
Let’s keep talking anything to stop clock watching
Lately we’re running out of time.
aren’t we crazy for running all the time? M-M-M-M-Maybe
Let’s forget we’re running out of time

I’m off like an aeroplane
I’m licking your postage stamp again
I’m using my right brain and I’m praying that we don’t crash
Who knew I’d come so fast?
So what if a two pump chump can’t last
But I made it to three and I foreclosed a five-minute fantasy
On a short lived flight making love on economy

No jumping conclusions
I don’t think there’s no solution
Let’s get backwards and forget our restless destination
Let’s live in the moment just this time could we
Let's take one moment of our time M-M-M-Mmaybe
Let’s forget we’re running out of time

I’m off like an aeroplane
I’m catching my second wind again
I’m using my left-brain and I’m righting all my wrongs
I’m yearning to turn you on
I’ve been working on getting you off so get on board

But how can I guess by the subject of the best predicate is left unsaid
When the matter is too delicate my loneliness is evident

And it’s You. You’re running through my mind
And it makes me crazy

la la la la la
la la la la la (oh its so amazing)

la la la la la
la la la la la
laaaaa

lady dreamer you might be the soundest sleeper
tonight sleep tight and build your nest upon my shoulder

2008-04-23T07:13:00.000-07:00

i realised i'm exactly like christina from greys anatomy when it comes to work..

i can be too hard on people.. which is bad.. i mean, it gives me the edge.. it helps when i have to make decisions.. it helps cause emotions can really screw up an operation.. plus i'm a horrible teacher.. i think i'd suck as a senior.. i have this bad habbit of enforcing standards and rules on people friend or foe.

i feel like there should be no acceptions, no slacking unless necessary, pure dicipline and focus when handling work.. i think its ok to make mistakes, we all do.. being perfect is practically impossible and takes years.. but even the best slip at times.. we all have our days where things go wrong.. but we learn and repair and sew up all the loose threads.. help our team move forward..

unfortunately my drive and lack of compassion can also be the cause of failure.. here i am talking abt team work, expecting the new birds to be totally prepared for HELL.. scaring the shits out of them, which seriously, is not helping.. maybe its cause i want to see who'll stand out.. who'll take the challenge.. i know i would.. who can be consistant.. who can teach me new things.. i gotta stop this judgemental-ness and be more open.. well.. i would be if people didnt auto-matically stereo-type them selves.. everyones pretty typical.. including me..

like i always say, please prove me wrong.. PROVE ME WRONG! NOT SAY I"M WRONG!! PROOFFFFFFF! i'm always willing to listen..

come get to know me!

2008-04-13T06:55:00.000-07:00

ive been growing very inward..

like i've become a hermit.. i just sleep run and do NS stuff..

so come... for the rest who do still read this.. let me let u inside for a brief moment.. i seem to have been putting on a facade for long enough.. a happy go lucky oh i love to cook blaah life is wonderful look..

look i'm not trying to say i'm ohh sad and gloomy inside.. i am happy.. i am contented.. i got a handful of easy to maintain friendships.. xy ken iona alvin jeff.. and good ns buddies.. ahmad jeremy.. which i must say is more than enough.. i have awesome new friend rachel who is just such a joy to hang out with.. i have a great NS vocation.. challenging and rewarding.. i'm surrounded by the ocasional talent such as hanif, jon keng and maj mus.. i have great parents who are very suportive of my nonsece.. and.. life is good..

but still i hold ALOT inside me.. alot i dont share.. alot even to my closest, i keep in a box.. i realised today i'm 100% over lucy.. and i'm happy.. haha..

ok what ever.. i realised i wont settle for second place.. i wont take second best.. i rather eat rice with curry sauce from macs, then settle for shit food like bee hoon or shit frie rice. i rather be single and happy, then be stuck in an unfurfilling relationship.. BUT then people say, u should take what u get.. u cant have the best of everything.. i disagree.. u should work for what u want.. fight.. dont brag.. but be proud.. u dont need someone to tell u uve done good.. u should know u;ve done good.. and once in a while, u may get a compliment which is your moltivation to strive forward.. i like to praise people.. i like people to prove me wrong.. read.. PROOVEEEEEEEEE me wrong.. not sat i'm wrong without justification.. i like to see things from not just my side.. everyside.. every prespective..we all have our views.. let me see if i can see where u are coming from.. i love to see people change.. change for the better.. break free of bad habbits.. control their problems instead of letting their problems control them..

then again this is what i want.. i'm still in this phase of life now.. where i'm searching for excitement.. i want the challenge.. i miss the kitchen.. i miss food.. i miss organising.. i miss learning.. i miss being around greatness.. i am a sponge.. 7 months to go and i'm off.. it makes me feel like crying.. like bursting into tears at times.. but not sad tears.. happy tears that i'd be finally done..

girls dont impress me anymore.. everyones just so normal.. i hate normal.. i'm just not anybodys type, and neither is any body right for me.. i'm not afraid of being single all my life.. id make a good husband and dad, but whats the point if i suck at being a good boyfriend.. haha.. yes i am selfish.. VERY, VERY. VERY selfish.. i care only abt my self.. but i do care.. alot.. i just dont show it.. cause emotions make me feel weak.. they make me vulnerable.. i choose to be a man of steel.. not cold steel.. but warm steel.. wtf is that.. HAHA.. i dont like to feel broken.. or torn.. i like to be a direction.. a guidiance factor.. not a leader.. a friend, a diciplinarian, a mentor.. a role model.. a learner, a follower.. a shoulder.. a person u know u can rely upon to get things done.. this is me.. i love to make u happy.. but i'd love it if we could just feel free.. not a worry in the world when ure with me.. la la la la la la la life is wonderful.. it is.. we can make it wonderful.. we can taste the fruit of our labour.. we can life furfilling lives..

i dont knw what i just typed.. but thats me.. inside.. gay as ever..

2008-03-25T06:01:00.000-07:00

i have a head ache.. i never get head aches.. and i've been fucking up alot at work.. i hate putting my heart into my work cause when i screw up, it hits and kinda makes me all lost and dis-ca-bobolated..

i wake up in fear everyday.. wondering if today would be day i crack.. the day i start screaming at people.. the day i start breaking things.. the day i just dont get things anymore.. its scary.. i worry.. i worry too much on the inside.. i think i'm just gonna go zone out this week end.. run away so no one asks questions..

and i should smack my self for having such stupid thoughts abt..

2008-03-23T00:58:00.000-07:00

last nite felt like a dream..

look into my eyes and tell me....

2008-03-16T05:22:00.000-07:00

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow
What do you do with the left over you
And how do you know, when to let go
Where does the good go, where does the good go

Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go
Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love
Look me in the heart and un break broken, it won't happen

It's love that breaks the seal of always thinking you would be
Real, happy and healthy, strong and calm, where does the good go
Where does the good go
Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows
How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down
What do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down
Where does the good go, where does the good go

i went book shopping to borders and hung out with tanya.. bought 2 books and an extendable fork.. HAHA extends 2 feet.. this week end has been totally empty.. i jsut watched greys anatomy and played guitar..and i know these next 2 weeks i'm gonna be hella packed.. BUT I"M READY! BRING IT ON WOOTZ..

2008-03-10T06:13:00.000-07:00

i'm growing very inward.. i dont have time for anyone.. i just cant afford someone leaning on me right now.. it has hit me that i'm the least bit dependable unless its in the office..

i really want the gold.. i really want the rank.. and i'm not gonna go walking away without a fight.. a good peaceful fight of course.. cause these guys are still my friends.. the rank is just a personal acchievement..

i realised i like girls with passion.. its so simple.. passion in what they do.. dance photography music cooking skating exploring driving.. its what pushes us to become stronger.. its whatspushed me to become stronger..

i'm going to sleep soon.. i dont feel like talking to anyone lately.. its quiet but its ok..

no i'm not emo.. i'm just sam!

and i'm disappointed in the fact u fall like dominos to peoples words and what they think.. gossip...who cares what people think.. when u fall.. no one else is there but your self.. and your close friends are the only ones whod listen even after the storm has passed.. instead of just looking around u.. start focusing..

:AOLGHfiok
WOOT!

hells kitchen

2008-02-29T09:35:00.000-08:00

this year.. i change..

i'm so amped.. goals have been set.. I-FREAKING-PPT is coming and i will recover.. i've been doing so muchh soul searching and i find my self growing very independant..

i just pray all goes as planned.. by the end of the year i'll be ready.. i'm fucking dam ass sure i will...

and along the way, let me help u help your self..

hips dont lie

2008-02-24T06:49:00.000-08:00

I never really knew that she could dance like this
She makes a man want to speak Spanish,
Como se llama, bonita, mi casa, su casa
Shakira, Shakira

WTF LYRICS ARE THESE.. I HATE THE BLOODY SONG.. BUT THESE BLOODY WORDS ARE STUCK IN MY HEAD!!!

DAM U WYCLEF!

so yes i cleand up my room today..i need to focus on alot of things.. esp after watching hells kitchen i'm really not ready.. been slacking too much away from kitchen..my taste buds are on vacation and soon after april i'm gonna kick start my studying and food knowledge.. ALSO SKATING.. god it feels good to skate.. just that half hour roaming around newton and novena feels awesome.. so now till april planning.. then ippt, then SATS, then buy laptop! haha.. so many things to do.. i feel like 9 months is just the right time to achieve these goals.. OH Yes.. by the end of the year, i plan to hit 80 kg.. i know i can.. just i start after ippt..

the only thing i know i have to bear with for a month is my ankle injury..its getting worse.. BUT ITS GONNA BE OVER.. i'm gonna see he MO tml or tues.. okbye

why;d u have to go and make things so complicated!!!

2008-02-23T10:33:00.000-08:00

i think the world is full of dumb idiots.. and dumber ones who belive the nonsense created by the first batch of dumb idiots..

change the world.. i'm not gonna get involved.. its not my prob.. IT SHOULD NOT BE MY PROB.. change your own world.. i refuse to help people who cant help them selfves.. sure perhaps cause there isnt any fog in my face now and who know what i'd say in such a situation..

lta soo said.. you can change the world.. pass it on.. but u cant change peoples characters.. i know cause i've tried..

SO yes.. I DONT KNOW WHAT I JUST TYPED.. but i'm pissed..

stupid people..EHHHH WHY SO COMPLICATED LARR!!!

2008-02-10T05:34:00.000-08:00

xiao xinyi i know u love me

and so does iona...

and so does CAKEEE!! god i'm addicted to cake..

and for some reason.. i still dont know why i'm happy.. its funny.. maybe cause i was depressed last year and now the dark clouds have gone, being normal is GREAT!! and i went shopping with iona.. i feel like i'm gonna spend my whole ns pay check on clothes again!! haha..

i choose to be happy..

RUN

2008-02-09T05:42:00.000-08:00

i hate running.. honestly.. but i really want that gold badge.. i'm not a big fan of the word wuss.. i did it for pull ups..once upon a time i was barely doing 1.. now hitting 15 is just normal..

today for the first time i saw hope in my running programme.. the past few times whe i tried doing my 2.4 my timing was just around abt 10.30 to 11 min mark.. i tell u the feeling sucked..

i got some advice from an officer to work on uphill sprnting.. and for the past 2 weeks, ive been doing 5 100m uphill sprints before continueing into a 1.8 km run.. its killer.. i couldnt catch my breath so many times i felt like coughing and puking..

today i decided to check my progress.. i did the standard 2.4 km and VOILA! i hit 10.05.. thats like 20seconds to my target timing.. i felt so stupid smiling like some mad person in the middle of the street..

i had very strange dreams last nite.. i was in a chalet with the senior assistant commissioner and navel.. i saw mag at the ang mo kio driving center car park with lance and abu.. in my sleep i feel like i'm doing pull ups.. the behind the neck ones..

and i've been dam bored lately.. i not heard from the pigeons.. and i feel like they're gonna stop skating soon.. i met ken.. but it feels like we never even spoke.. and now that i come to think abt it, on thurs we didnt even speak.. hardly.. i'm growing very alone.. like i dont really want to meet anyone.. yet i do want to meet anyone..

gold badge gold badge gold badge.. thats all i want.. 2 more months..

i hope everyone is happY!!!

2008-02-07T08:16:00.000-08:00

I just don't understand
Why you running from
A good man, baby
Why you wanna turn your
Back on love
And why you've already
Given up
See I know you've been
Hurt before
But I swear I'll give you
So much more
I swear I'll never let you down
'Cause I swear it's you
That I adore
And I can't help myself, babe
'Cause I think about you
Constantly
And my heart gets no rest
Over you, you you yeah
CHORUS:
You can call my selfish
But all I want is your love
And you can call me hopeless
Baby
'Cause I'm hopelessly in love
You can call me unperfect
But who's perfect
Tell me what do I gotta do
To prove that I'm
The only one for you

So what's wrong with being
Selfish

Yeah

I'll be taking up your time
Till the day I make you realise
That for you there could be
No one else
I just gotta have you for myself
Baby, I would take
Good care of you
Now matter what is you're
Going through
I'll be there for you
When you're in need
Baby, believe in me
'Cause if love is a crime
Then punish me
I would die for you
'Cause I don't want to live
Without you
What can I do, oh

Repeat chorus

Why do you keep us apart
Why won't you
Give up your heart
You know that
We're meant to be together
Why do you push me away
All that I want to do is
Give you love
Forever and ever and ever

Repeat chorus

Selfishly I'm
In love with you
'Cause I've searched my soul
And know that it's you
Selfishly I'm
In love with you
'Cause I've searched my soul
And know that it's you
Selfishly I'm
In love with you
'Cause I've searched my soul
And know that it's you

Prove that I'm the
Only one for you
So what's wrong with being
Selfish, selfish, selfish

So what's wrong with being
Selfish yeah

awesome song.. i love the bridge.. anyway.. some random mambo camwhoring cause of ahmad in lift..

2008-02-06T22:13:00.000-08:00

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
And taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
A little bird who'll sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
What you and I spoke of
Others only dream of the love that I love

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive
Now you and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore
And with this silence brings a moral story
more importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm already finally out of

and it's okay if you have go away
just remember the telephone works both ways
and the more you follow through
and theres always more left over
not too much explaining to do
and if ever ever ever you find your love
i will be your life line
i would never miss a phone call
and if I never ever hear it ring
if nothing else I'll think the bells inside
have finally found you someone else and that's okay
cause I'll remember everything you sang

you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm already finally out of words

i love this version with the extra lyrics.. cny at mambo was dam good.. losts of gaying.. NO BITCHING! and just a shit load of drinks with john.. i think i looked like crap.. PICTURES HO HO! soon

ready or not

2008-01-26T12:17:00.000-08:00

There's magic within you,
There's magic in everything you do,
Magic me to the place where
Dreams come true.

Sometimes I co crazy
I get off the crazy things you do,
I'm jealous of every guy that
Looks at you

So tell me,
Could you love a boy like me like me
Tell me could you love a boy like me like me.

Because I need you
You're my heart and soul.
And I'm gonna let you know
Ain't gonna let you go.

Ready or not, here I come,
You can't hide from me, hide and seek.
Run away now, or stay now.
Cos I'll keep searching
I'll keep seaching for love.

The game that you're playing
Why do you tease me like you do
You gotta let me down
Or see it through.

You're straight from a movie,
But baby I'm not from Hollywood.
By stealing your heart I'll be your Robin Hood.

So tell me,
Could you love a boy like me like me
Tell me could you love a boy like me like me.

Because I need you
You're my heart and soul.
And I'm gonna let you know
Ain't gonna let you go.

Ready or not, here I come,
You can't hide from me, hide and seek.
Run away now, or stay now.
Cos I'll keep searching
I'll keep seaching for baby.

Ready or not, here I come,
You can't hide from me, hide and seek.
Run away now, or stay now.
Cos I'll keep searching
I'll keep seaching for love.

Baby-you can't hide the love inside
Searching for love
Baby-you can't hide the love inside

Could you love a boy like me like me
Tell me could you love a boy like me like me.

Because I need you
You're my heart and soul.
And I'm gonna let you know
Ain't gonna let you go.

I'll never let you go! Oh no!

Ready or not, here I come,
You can't hide from me, hide and seek.
Run away now, or stay now.
Cos I'll keep searching
I'll keep searching for love.
Ready or not here I come,
You can't hide from me, hide and seek.

Run away now, or stay now.
Cos I'll keep searching
I'll keep seaching for love.

This is one awesome gay song from sec 4.. hahahhaa.. brings back so many camp memories..PHOTOS

ok the new chef pic isnt colored yet..

RALPHIES SO HUGEE!!

WOOOJIBOOUUUJIIIBUBUUUUOOO

yes this is iona chews new kitchen.. i felt like crying.. i want it so bad.. its only 22k!! i can imagine preparing breakfast for my kids everymorning on this..

people i'm not emo.. helloo..

NO KITCHEN LIKE THIS = GO FIND YOUR OWN BREAKFAST!!

zoneedddd

2008-01-25T08:05:00.000-08:00

i dont understand..

what can i do for u.. its like u hate the way i think.. ure always so pessimestic.. u always pull me down.. u never can be happy.. you have a new life now.. for your own sake.. if u have smth to say to me just say it.. i dont like all your half ass expect me to guess what u want tone of voice.. u know i cant stand leaving people helpless.. let me help u find your direction if i can.. but dont mess up my life anymore than u already have unless u have smth constructive to do with it..

i feel my self zoning out.. its scary.. i feel like i'm having alot of mental blanks. like a wandering soul again.. when i get a task, for some reason i blank out.. and the next thing i know i'm working on it.. i dont feel my self planning much.. i dont like it.. on a better note, a new chef blue print is out for the menu display cards..

romantic roadkill

2008-01-21T03:17:00.001-08:00

suddenly i feel dam sad.. i dont know why.. actually i do.. smths happening.. i feel fear and i can feel the distance through words..

i think i better snap my self back to reality and stand up.. i dont want to go through this again.. i'm not thinking straight and i better focus on whats importatant.. its my last year of NS.. it better not have bad memories..

i stop here.. cause.. its better.. i think i'll give my self till tonight.. ughh

Sober- butchwalker

Can you please, remind me how you feel?
This emptiness is real, I can't bear the thought of it.
and please, remind me how to smile, I lost track after awhile.
Is happiness so hard to get?

Is it me, or is this over?
As I got sober, I watched you fade away.
Is it me, or is this ending?
As I was pretending, I watched you fade away.

I didn't know, that time could move so slow,
when you've got nowhere to go, the silence is so deafening.
Waking up, on the wrong side of your mind.
How could I have been so blind, to see I'm losing everything?

Is it me, or is this over?
As I got sober, I watched you fade away.
Is it me, or is this ending?
As I was pretending, I watched you fade away.

Oh, Sooner or later, we gotta stop this elevator.
You go your way and I'll go mine, I'm sure that I'll be fine.

Now is it me, or is this over?
As I got sober, I watched you fade away.
Is it me, or is this ending?
As I was pretending, I watched you fade away.
Sober, as I got sober.
As I got sober, I watched you fade, I watched you fade.

please stay.. dont go..

2008-01-18T02:59:00.000-08:00

Butch Walker - Don't Move lyrics

Good morning sunlight
As I get used to you
It's all gonna be all right
I did all I can do
And as I'm waiting for those eyes
To say what's on your mind
I finally think I've found the words to say...

So baby don't move at all
Cause you're about to break my fall
Stay where you are, staring at the stars
Don't ever move at all

So many black and white
Are made to be so blue
We've all got our wars to fight
But I won't fight with you
If I could just get your attention
I'd never let it go
Until you've felt what I am gonna say....

So baby don't move at all
Cause you're about to break my fall
Stay where you are, staring at the stars
Don't ever move at all

Oh, why's it gotta be that everybody's gotta see the sadness
Everybody's lonely, we don't have to be lonely
Baby, no baby oh, I can move you like an earthquake
Listen to me as my hands shake
Cause I want you, I need you
I can't live without you, baby

Baby don't move at all
Cause you're about to break my fall
Stay where you are, staring at the stars
Don't ever move at all

this is one shit arse awesome song by butch walker.. his music is so full of soul and power and PAIN! emo yes emo.. i'm really tired and i need to sleep.. ITS SATURDAY TML! IONA BIRDDAY! I REMEMBERED!!!

i'm going skating..

monster

2008-01-12T22:47:00.000-08:00

gaylo..

i feel my self changing.. becoming very critical of peoples flaws and insecurities.. and i dont like it.. i told my self this year i'm going to become a more accepting person.. which in some aspects i feel like i have.. but then its like i do things the way the singaporeans do it.. wrong untill proven not weird or creepy.. we forget where the heart is.. i mean it really hit me hard.. soemtimes when people diss me i get pissed too.. like when andrew and i used to be friends.. all i ever got from him was just u suck blah blah blah.. and i didnt like it which is why i disappeared.. i dont want to let smth like that happen again.. like i dont want my friends to feel esp the ones in ns to feel like i'm biting their weaker points to get attention from the crowd to look cool.. i feel i have been doing that lately and yes.. its no good..

and i'm sorry.. to all of u whom i've dissed.. except u xy.. u're still an elephant..

u people would prob never read this.. but i just need to get it out..

lin hao, i'm sorry i called u ugly and annoying and gay and fat.. god this is so pri school.. i'm sorry i told u not to look at the mirror or u'll break it.. i'm sorry for not always standing up for u when people who dont know u say u're weird.. this is not me.. and man..i'm so not ashamed of being your friend.. like it takes alot for some one to retake their A's during ns and take so much critisism from the dumb housefly brains we're surrounded with in our building.. u're weird in your own way but thats awesome.. just stop squeezing my ass..

navel.. i'm sorry.. i know u're a very jumpy hyper-worrying-alot person and really dont want to upset anyone.. and sometimes i just get carried away saying u'll get into trouble and bluffing u abt things just for a laugh.. i cant help it.. it is funny.. but i'll try to stop.. i will stop and or at least keep the jokes between us..

danial.. you are one hell of a boring person.. i hate to admit it.. but seriously.. u're dam boring.. but then i'm wrong.. i'm wrong for judging u.. i'm wrong for not accepting the fact that u're on a different frequency from me.. and i'm not gonna stop not including u in my thoughts cause man.. we came into pad toggether.. we should go out together happy..

shalyn.. to u my biggest and deepest apologies.. i'm sorry i've made fun of u.. i know u cant stop me from calling u gay.. but abt the other thing.. i totally dont mean it.. and i guess sometimes i run out of things to say and er.. ya.. u know.. but i'm truley sorry..

i know theres more but i gtg now..

dam i feel like a bloddy wussy.. HAHA

MOON RIVER!

2008-01-07T05:10:00.000-08:00

GAY SQUAD MEETING ON SAT THE 12TH!! WOOT WOOT!!

yes gay squad is what my group of friends called out gang in brtc..

and ken passed his tp.. so i finally i dont need to be the one whose driving for skate tours.. YEAH!! TOUCH ME.. we ought to celebrate.. ltp dinner soon.. YOUR"RE DRIVING

je pense que vous êtes la fille la plus belle dans le monde

resolutions!!

2008-01-06T07:37:00.000-08:00

yes hello.. my new year actually begins tml.. being the 7th of jan.. leave ends today!! gaahhhh.. but ok la.. this holiday has been great for relaxing.. been skating.. according to yihengs ord meter.. i have 369 days left.. HO HO

anyway.. i've been meaning to write down accomplisments

NOLLIE 360 flips!!
SWITCH VARIAL HEELS!! SWITCH FRONT SHOVES!!
fakie CABS

ok thats all i feel good abt..

things i need to do this year..
apply for my uni..
do my sats.. WELL
invent more food..
invent some more food..
black male people for food..
buy my meat grinder..
do more reading on food history to impress people.. mainly chicks.. HAHAHAHAHA
help my dear friend yiheng find a girlfriend..
lean to play fly me to the moon on the guit like brian..
take my switch skating to the streets..
FIND MORE MAMBO BUDDIES
bug xy abt her huge bumm
touch kens nipple at least once this year..
hit the 75 kg mark.. i'm 68
do 20 pull ups in one shot.. my best is only 17.. ok 16 and a half i think..
LOOSE MY INDIAN BELLY!
DRINK MORE ALCOHOL
do up the menu.. boy thats a tough one..
drink less coke and ice tea..
be less judgemental.. unless indian or dumbasss is being viewed
improve on my chinese.. so i can sing english songs in chiense and annoy people the way alvin does..
learn to bake bread..
switch ollie down bukit batok big 2..
switch LAUNCH!

ah too many things..BYE

dan in real life

2008-01-05T12:18:00.000-08:00

helloo

today i realised.. i'm 23.. i'm in national service.. and i'm as much as i hate to say this.. but a hopeless romatic.. i remember i'd do the silliest things for the girls i liked.. i did sowing.. i did a massive giant tea light sign.. i learnt to play and sing chi songs, i wore my uniform on a sunday.. i did alot of stupid things.. just to make the girls i liked happy.. strangely.. for my last relationship.. i didnt do jack shit.. seriously.. i was a plain dick.. i never spent money.. i never did surprises.. and now come to think of it.. i was a horrid bf.. i surprised my self today when i was thinking abt it walking with iona..

why? possibly cause i was sad alot during this one.. i remember how she was always unhappy.. how she hated my friends shy behavior.. how every time a prob rose solving it was not the main thing.. but fighting for who was right or wrong matterd the most to her.. i mean.. WE have a problem.. i screw up means we screw up.. u screw up means we screw up.. but now i think back.. i have been happier.. strangely i'm happy now.. and xy is not talking to me.. i dont know where she is.. FATNESS CALL ME!

but yea.. i know if i like someone.. its usually not just infactuation.. its real.. cause u see.. i dont like many people. i go for the strange.. i like people who can express them selfs.. through music.. or what ever.. photography.. singing.. dancing.. art.. drawing.. skating.. passion for smth.. passion to change.. not just sit around and moap your life away wondering abt the what ifs and what nots.. if its anything yiwei taught me, its having direction.. a goal.. but anyway.. my point being..

i watched a movie today.. dan in real life.. its abt a single widowed dad, his three daughters and how he meets this girl who he just knows is special.. its not the same feeling u get when u meet someone normal.. u just for some reason know that shed bring out the best in u.. and u'd make her the happiest person in the world.. universe.. solar system.. whats bigger? now.. how often do these people come around..

almost never.. ONCE or TWICE if u're lucky.. but yeah.. even that ONCE can be almost impossible.. so what do u do when this comes along.. do u take the challenge and give it your best? or walk away in fear.. i honestly dont know.. as much as people want to meet THE ONE, if she/he really was standing right there infront of you, do u honestly believe u'd have the balls to say hi or smth to him/her.. i know i wouldnt.. haha.. but i'd prob go look her up on friendster and then say hi.. HAHA..

and now i come to my platter.. i'd do the craziest things for a girl.. xy, iona.. u guys are like my clothes.. its this feeling that burns brighter than sunshine as we say.. love.. its crazy.. its ANNOYING.. I LOVE LOVE.. its not abt making out with someone.. its not abt being physical.. its all abt totally letting your self go.. u dont wanna make out with the person.. u wanna wake up with the person.. the first thing u see when u wake up in the morning.. the last thing u see when u sleep.. the one u think about immediately when u see smth nice.. the one u want to watch stupid chick flicks and romantic comedies with.. its unconditional.. its selfless.. dammit i cant explain it.. i just know its great..

but then.. there are those that are scarred.. i was once scarred.. pretty pretty bad.. but then.. it sucks with u put in 110% all the way and u think the other persons there.. but actually they left along time ago.. and BAM! u're left saying WTF WTF WTF WTF WTFFFFFF.... but its ok.. u got to experience it.. better to love than not love at all as some movie quote's.. and then u shell your self up.. hiding.. spending time alone.. just doing your own thing.. why? cause some needle dick face vagina screws you up.. making us wonder, is this what love is about? putting ones whole self out there.. and here you were being taken for a ride? how much was real.. why the hell did u even waste my time.. but u see... its these dick face cock masters who are the ones that screw up the chances for the real searchers out there.. its these dick face cock masters that leave boys and girls scarred to take a chance with somebody who could actually be totally out of this world.. and that sucks.. u get the white truffle, the jewel of the kitchen.. and u just mess it up cause u're horny.. fljadhfiouwgiogfsfs.. ugghhh makes me so mad..

anyway.. i have a friend..her name faye.. shes a new friend.. shes sweet.. shes nice.. and the things she does for her boyfriend collin are the best.. too bad the gundu doesnt realise it.. but he better do it soon cause i dont know.. i wish there were times i could cheer u up but i cant.. i jsut dont really know what to say.. cause i know only he can.. and i dont know him.. but i think u're one hell of an awesome friend and a joy to talk to and its people like u who inspire me. who make me believe that hey! i'd do anything to make this person happy.. and i'm proud to know someone as rich as u.. rich with the warmth in your tiny little heart..

i hate to say this to all u people who dont believe its out there.. love will come and get u.. prob kens gonna think i'm a dick and a wussy pussy gay soft mascara wearing skirt man for writing this.. but hey.. HAHAHAHA

ray turned an angel to stone..

JACKASS! HAHA

i need a dam new deck but i'm so broke mannn.. on a lighter note.. SWITCH OLLIE UP STAGE!! one tyco time but what ever.. and switch 5-0 without falling on face or ass.. haha.. and switch k grind.. without tweaking anlke.. ALL ON SUPER TINY GAY SP BOX BUT WHAT EVER! HAHAHA.. and and and.. i have a bloddy heel bruise.. it sucks.. i had my napha revision training today.. it was quite fun.. yiheng me sanjeev and many people.. i just failed my run so after run training i joined the pull up trainees.. we did so many push ups that i ended up puking my breakfast..

bells on a hill

2008-01-03T14:12:00.000-08:00

man...

i can only say.. i wish i was ray..

but i think right now.. u just prob think i'm gay..

2007

2008-01-01T07:09:00.000-08:00

hello mr blog gay

its been a long time and i think this is gonna be one of those reflective reflector for the year 2007 cliche entries which everyone has on their blog.. so yEah..

2007 has been a strange year.. i mean compared to last year 2006 when i felt my life had finally began.. i started cooking.. started living.. started paying alot more attention to things.. i dont know.. at first thoughts i felt 07 would kinda suck like crap.. but then.. it did have its rough moments.. for a long period of time i was pretty unhappy cause i felt i was stuck in ns away from the kitchen.. the little chef in me would prob be screaming doing things he didnt want to do.. i was in a relationship which at first was the best thing going for me.. which later on resulted in being my down fall.. which LATER on resulted in me getting a deeper prespective on life..

this entry is gonna be boring.. and long and basically thoughts which i havent put down on paper/blog-er before.. perhaps i have.. but i cant remember.. ok SO in as much of a cronological order as i can remember, i shall begin..

roughly on the 7 or 8th of january this year.. i met a girl.. a sweet girl.. prob at that time, she was the most beautiful girl in the world.. at least to me.. the way she spoke.. her smile.. her chirpyness.. just everything abt her made me go all high and floaty.. till today.. i still think abt it and wonder where she went.. i've given up hope on her coming back.. and even if she did now, i'd prob walk away cause of the sorrow.. sounds gay.. her name was luciana.. she was 16.. now i'm a 22 year old.. was a 22 year old.. now a 23 year old.. and trust me.. i know better than dating kids.. but this one.. was different.. she was special.. she had love in her eyes.. she wanted to change the world.. we could have changed the world.. and during my brt(basic rescue training) she was the one thing that kept me going.. everyday i'd call her or shed call me and she was the only person i'd wanna waste my precious battery on cause we arnt allowed chargers in camp.. and everymoment spent talking to her was just.. bliss.. week ends were spent with her.. couldnt imagine spendin them with anyone else.. everything just felt so not important.. i didnt want to cook.. hang out with my friends.. look at other girls.. and i loved the feeling.. it didint matter to me cause even if she wasnt in the room.. she was the most beautiful girl i could only have eyes for..

this would be our first picture together.. she refused to be seen cause at that time she thought she was ugly.. but just look at her.. even when u dont see her face.. i would feel gay just looking at this picture..

i can remember our first date.. where i told her i was hungry.. i just passed my driving practicals so i was itching to drive.. we went to changi airport when she sneaked out.. and i felt so ugly cause of my short hair.. and black face.. haha.. oh yes.. this is one memoryy along the ecp..

time went by.. arguments started coming up.. she slowly began to become lesser and lesser of the girl who wanted to save the world.. sometimes i think it was my fault..i was pretty much of a dick.. i had no money most of the time..the moment i got my ns pay, it would practically be half gone cause of bills.. insurance.. transport.. books.. blahhh.. and like every time i felt i wanted to do smth.. wed end up fighting and my mood would totally go away.. for some reason.. she was always unhappy.. i dont know if its cause i made her unhappy.. or weather she was perpetually like that.. i think by me trying to help i just screwed up alot of things for her.. i dont know i just wasnt the sort to sit around and let things happen... i cared too much..there was once she was so mean to me i was crying and crying and crying like a bloody dick at work till my officer told me to go home.. it was so embarrassing and it sucks when the person u care abt starts treating u like dirt and asks u to choose between other things u care abt and them.. thats when it all started happening to me.. i began to get very depressed.. and very very hostile.. not only towards her.. but towards alot of things.. cause basically i took advice from a a pessimest.. ok not really.. hes a great person and a very good friend, but that got me going in a wrong direction cause i was fuling my self with anger instead of change making juice.. to me peoples feelings didnt matter.. i just needed to get what i needed to get done.. but thats wrong.. its not me.. it would never be me.. unfortunately, when u hit that state of mind, u become very detached from everyone.. and trust me, at first its good cause nth can bring u down.. but then u realise.. u're so alone.. and its not fun..

this was that day when i took the half day off.. to meet her.. we thought we could repair things.. i tell u it sucked.. our relationship was just down hill from there.. i dont want to write abt this anymore.. i'm just gonna say what i have to say to put this experience behind me.. luciana.. if u do ever read this.. i just want to say i'm sorry. i'm just not right for u.. u and me are like apple and submarine..nth in common.. i need someone whose happy.. who wants to be happy.. who wants to stayy happy.. whos independant.. someone i can lean on.. some one who can lean on me..someone i can grow with.. with u, i really felt i was falling.. my friends disliked u.. u embarrassed me with your strange thoughts of how people should treat u.. i felt like i didnt know u anymore.. the girl who was once so camera shy was now so full of her self.. u told me i was stupid or naieve or what ever for believeing that happiness exists.. i still believe it does.. cause i'm living it.. u told me my best friend would walk out on me and she didnt care.. but look whose still here after so long.. she still is.. everytime i was emo and the only reason i was emo cause u made me so emo.. and she was always there to answer my calls and bear with my nonsensce.. and i could never be there for her when she needed me cause i was too involved with you.. u brought me down lucy.. at times u pulled me up.. but now i look back.. i realised i pulled my self up.. and i'm sorry i've wasted all your time.. i would still wnat to be friends with you but some of the things u've said make me hate u as a person.. i dont have any respect for u left.. like perhaps the things u've said just came out cause u were angry.. but i dont know it stuck in me.. i'm no body to u anymore.. i dont even want to be your friend.. i mean i do.. i want to respect u as a person.. but seriously.. i cant.. i hope you treat your new pastry chef bf better cause i from what u tell me.. he seems like a nice guy.. although hes a pastry chef and i wish all the best.. i do have a very good impression of him and i hope he can stand your shit..maybe one day when i get rid of all this anger in me which i have for u, then we just might be able to speak freely.. i'm sorry i feel so bad and feel so guilty and prob hardly ever hate anyone.. but u.. and my aunt whose indian.. just as once as u were the most beautiful girl in the world to me, now u'll just be another face in the crowd.. good bye.. to u and 2007

NATIONAL SERVICE!!! am i firefighter..?? no.. but i get to dress up as one.. hahaha..

MUAHAHAHAHHAA..

SO 9of jan 07 was the first day of hell for me.. supprisingly its not that bad now coming to end of this year.. my senior gay kamsani is great.. he has nice breasts which he lets me squeeze now and then.. and i think i'd e totally lost without someone as reliable and funny as him.. always talking abt how many CHICKYS attack him for his body.. and how we try to throw work towards each other as much as possible.. man.. hes just awesome.. kinda sad he'll be going in 6 months and we wont hang out that much anymore.. the times i've been pretty down at work.. with lucy and even somethings that i screwed up, the guy was just there.. not saying anything but just there to give u that pat on the back knowing that u're covered.. all this kamsani talk makes me feel like touching him now.. hahaha..

also happenin this year, was my first promotion to lance corporal.. WOOT! haha.. it felt dam good although i was on MC during the promotion ceremony..haha.. so now come feb 1st 08 i'd prob hopefully be going up to a corporal.. MUHAHAHAHHA terrorising junior time..

ah this was one of my platoon in brt before our chemical agent training.. i'm somewhere at the back.. ah thats my hand which is in the C shape in the back row.. bunch of sick pes c loosers with injurys and mental probs.. but there, i also made a few good friends.. ahmad.. jeremy, andrew.. yiheng.. ah alot more..

heres jeremy our pusedo japanese daft little bugger with his boyfriend le-tish-ah on his bird day..

mambo nite with 4 horny ns boys can be quite entertaining and also stange.. its funny to hear them say.. EHH IF U MEET GIRL DONT BASTARD US HOR!! like seriously.. u look at us.. u think we're so cool ah!! we were so cool we went there at 930.. waited till 10 to get tickets and came back out.. just so that we wouldnt idiots waiting in the line.. oh oh and u get to see what people do when they are drunk.. also cross dressing tendancies show.. even if they arnt drunk.. haha..

ah yes.. one of my closest ns friends whose the pessimest but what ever.. ahmad.. and me.. with non matching socks.. and some fat guy.. haha..

SO.. other than failed relationships and NS, i now speak of my gay friends.. yes.. i'm gonna talk abt feelings.. and emotions and love.. HAHAHAHAHHAA

LTP Has come a long way since we first started.. and still till this day, no one has every heard of us..we skate.. and we act gay.. and now, play arcade games from 1990 and get drunk and shave peoples eye brows and put cat whiskers on them.. by people i mean alvin.. SO.. lots of silly things done this year.. like building our gay skate club box for singapore poly which i found out today benji said he made them when he didnt even hammer in a single nail.. bastard.. haha..

ken looking weird
it was so hot that day..

haha.. the final product.. and the cock look on alvins face..

then there was the discovery of botak jones which makes everyone happy!

the look of love

ah the look on their faces when they saw what was coming for them..

here are a couple of old shots taken just before ns.. ignore thedate its wrong..

ahh.. sam during a rape.. he didnt put up any force..

strange malaysians..

after a nice game of GAY!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

our drear old jeff.. looking happy!

and jerald! with jeff emoing below

AND THEN THERE WAS NEW YEARS PRE CELEBRATION! ken decided that sat was gonna be our little get together and get drunk day.. or at least.. get jeff drunk day.. which resulted in everyone getting high and sleepy.. we played stupid 1990s arcade games and shaved his eye brow and drew whiskers on him..haha.. ken later stole jeffs prawn and brought it back to the bed room and made jeff very sad..

jeff and alvin playing house of the dead

jeff after alcohol.

oh jeff.. lets make love..

HOHOHOHOHO

alvin.. it was jeff who drew u!

shaved eyebrow

and now with family..i havent been the best friend.. well cause i couldnt even be a friend to my self cause of my relationship.. i just didnt have time.. but i am very grateful to you xy.. u dont know how much u mean to me at times.. i call u fat.. and pig and elephant.. and fat.. and make funny sounds and laugh at your insecurities in your face.. but then.. u're really like the sister i never had.. u're just always there at the right times.. u've always stood when i ran away.. i guess cause u knew i'd always come back.. i feel like a fagg for pouring my emotions out for the whole world to see.. but then again.. who cares.. u're my gay indian sister and i er.. MOOOJII MOOJIIIMOOOOOOOJUUUMUUU you.. god this is so gay.. but i'm feeling soft now.. ken would prob kill me if he read this..

the mum, the xy, MR dad, and me.. a few nights before enlistment at brew works..i still think i dont look like my parents..

zoette.. u once fat now skinny woman who finally has a bf.. i know u still read my blog and wait for my entries.. sure we hardly ever meet but when we do, we always have a good time.. cam whoring all over singapore from the ecp to the air port at funny hours of the morning.. u're a good friend..and one i know i'd prob be friends with when i'm at the old folks home wetting my pants with after our kids ditch us there to play majong and taitee.. i think we'd still cam whore though.. and i want to have gay sex with your brother cause hes so pretty..

happy people!

HAHAHA

stupid gay china lesbian doll modem! or smth like that

and now finally.. the food aspect..
i had one major event this year which rocked my anus.. but with good friends with superb skills.. these guys made it anything possible...
the hwa chong event was supposedly for 100 to 130 people.. but i think we got over loaded with people and hit 200.. the food was all swept away.. drinks brownies fruits canapes.. all POOF! and i felt like some celebrety chef.. but it really wouldnt be possible with chef sady, my head chef alvin.. lead bartender ken and entertainer jeff.. who i must say is a jack of all trades.. it was a great experience for all of us.. as for now, catering is on hold due to SATS coming up.. i just dont have time to experiment as much as i did last time.. but soon i'll continue again..

ah.. ken got strange bullshit from jeff ALL night long

they make great cleaners too..

some happy fat satisfied chef xamm customer.. he really liked the food and kept asking for more..

salmon tarts with cavaire, motz-e-rella and tomato bruchettas, and italian crustinineeees canapes!!

alvin peeling an onion..
ah our grand fruit platter

some badly angled shot of me.. but what ever.. haha..

oh yes.. xy was an angle/angel that night but i dont have a pic of her to put in..

so yes.. i'm coming to an end.. i'll just leave it here cause i'm really tired.. and YES... HELLO 2008!!! 1 YEAR TO ORD!!!

HELLO WORLD!

you forget where the heart is...

2007-12-14T23:52:00.000-08:00

Call me out
You stayed inside
One you love
Is where you hide
Shot me down
As I flew by
Crash and burn
I think sometimes
You forget where the heart is

Answer no to these questions
Let her go, learn a lesson
It's not me, you're not listening
Now, can't you see something's missing
You forget where the heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life?
What's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

It's okay
It's okay

i just cant sleep.. i think a ghost is haunting me.. scraches on my arm.. i feel a hand sometimes patting me on my body.. i wake up screaming and shouting.. running to the lights.. my mind is just sooo messed up right now.. please leave me alone u ghost..

people always leave..

take a walk down memory lane

2007-12-14T12:14:00.000-08:00

gayness

i dont know if i'm running away
maybe i am cause i got no where to stay
i've seen so many come and go
u can balance without your pinky toe

suddenly somethings dont matter
the fights, the tiffs, the ignorance
its the sweet stuff that holds me back..

and u thought that was gonna rhyme..

and then theres distance
distance among us all..
are we who were really want to be..
do we just wait? lets shine while we wait shall we?

god only knows whats next
like this line written in my destiny for me to create
which aparently was that line follwed by this one
god only knows.. god only knows..

spare the racket..
let down your hair..
lets take a cruise to the purple star..
now lets go..

oh squggily line.. =D

man..
hahahhahahaha..

i get nausious when i turn back and stare.. i wish i didnt.. you definately mean more that that..

HELLO XINYI!

2007-11-17T01:39:00.000-08:00

i woke up at 5..

i'm going to spend today alone with my self.. beawolf, kfc, and coffee.. =D

oh yea.. EDIT

you know.. i just cant having the fact that they girl i'm dating smokes.. its disgusting.. its low class and its just so dirty.. and as much as i keep telling my self that smoking doesnt define a persons character, it just doesnt seem to get this turned off feeling away.. i mean i have friends who smoke.. hell my parents even smoke.. and i hate it.. honestly.. its disgusting.. so what if it makes u high.. it makes u stink and makes me sneeze..i hate controling people cause i know i hate getting controlled when i drink coke even though its bad for my kidneys which is why i dont say anything..

i dont know.. its killed my mood and i just dont date smokers.. period.. i dont mind changing to become a better person but i will not comprimise my believes anymore..accepting smoking wont make me a better person.. so be it i remain single all my life if every girl i choose to date smokes.. i'll always have cooking and diagonal pop shoves..

star bucks

2007-11-13T06:35:00.000-08:00

i've been spending alot of time alone lately.. i kinda like it.. abit of space to think.. breathe.. wonder.. its not abt doing something alone.. its just abt doing nth..

today i skated down to star bucks.. ordered a mocha.. planted my ass outside, turned on my mp3 player and just stoned.. i didnt think abt nth.. i just did nth.. i didnt want to be around anyone.. didnt want to talk to anyone.. nth.. just people watch.. something i havent done in a long time.. and i feel so refreshed..

i still have 1 more year to go in ns.. 1 year has gone by.. but now the days feel increasingly long and my seniors are leaving.. i know it'll be my turn soon.. but why not now?

ugh.. works been strange.. i dont know why sometimes i have to carry the load of officers.. i dont see my friends needing to bother with this.. i mean its good.. but hey.. i like to follow sometimes too u know.. and work is no longer stupid things like filing reports or photo copying paper.. i have to write letters and submit stupid area improvement sheets with pictures.. and then i have to organise nsfs to make sure they know what they have to do for the FCV.. which is a forward command vehicle.. and its so gay..

dammit.. i'm just an nsf.. not an officer.. and my senior is on leave.. and its kinda lonely.. and double the work load.. no one to cover my back.. prime minister is coming to visit scdf on 27 nov.. how not fun..

gonna call lucy and hit the sack..

i feel... rejuvinated.. =D

jenny whats the problem

2007-11-10T10:37:00.000-08:00

ok so last thurs was the skate tour..

i think this one was alot more comfortable.. at least for jeff.. since hes always the one whose bullied to go down on him self cause hes the youngest.. anyway.. i think it was a pretty eventful day.. more like alot of downs compared to ups for the team.. ken busted his ankle pretty bad, alvin got a nice ball sack.. pretty pretty scary..lucy and i had a major arguement infront of my friends.. those were some of the bad things.. on the lighter note, jerald has dam nice hair and dam straight kick flips, jeff's belly can be folded, and i finally managed to land that dam pop shove down the stage..

last time i did it at youth park my deck broke.. haha... anyway.. when we first reached the stage, i was dam dam ready to skate like mad.. sadly i got abit upset when i could barely ollie.. my knee was killing me.. i dont even know how i got the dam injury.. and then my shoe wouldnt grip the tape.. i seriously panicked.. like wa laoo.. the one thing u've been looking forward to all week is cant happen..but thankfully after a while my pain went away and my grip came back for some reason..

and i finally ollied 5 decks.. scary but what ever..

night time bbq wasnt as great as i planned.. actually it went great.. just that aiya.. now i dont really know what to say..

i would just say, people have differnet views.. not everyone is the same.. if being shy is a form of rudeness, then yes, we're guilty, but come on.. there are many people out there who have their own approach.. i'm not saying i'm right abt my view.. lucy is right to feel left out.. but then thats the way my friends and i are.. u know what. i'm not being ignorant.. i'm i'm just feeling free..

life sucks for many.. but lets make the best of it!

i like this pj ladd clip..

me alvin jeff mark sam jerald and strange ken.

he calls me baby
then she wont call me
says she adores me
and then ignores me
(Jenny, What's the problem?)

She keeps her distance
and sits on fences
puts up resistance
and builds defenses
(Jenny, Whats the problem?)

You keep me hanging on the line
everytime you change your mind

First you say you wont
then you say you will
you keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, you've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me

She needs her own space
she's playing mind games
ends up at my place
saying that she's changed
(Jenny, what's the problem?)

I'm trying to read between the lines
you got me going out of my mind

First you say you wont
then you say you will
you keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, you've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me

(ohh ohh ooohhhh)
It's killing me
(ohh ohh ooohhhh)
It's killing me
(ohh ohh ooohhhh)
Jenny

First you say you wont
then you say you will
you keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, you've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me

First you say you wont
then you say you will
you keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, you've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me

It's killing me

rainbows have nothing to hide..

2007-10-25T04:44:00.000-07:00

man..

this week has been crazyyyy

for the first time in my life, i popped.. my mind couldnt take it.. i just exploded.. i broke down and started crying like i've never cried before.. so badly i ran to my mum and demanded a hug..

my heads hurt so bad that night.. i kept hearing conversations and thoughts running through my mind.. like my mind just wouldnt shut the hell up..it was bad.. all i could feel was anger and fustration..

i'm still feeling that way.. but its got better.. i reaised i'm not a kid anymore.. i have bloody responsibilities to uphold that are far more important than other peoples petty issues.. i cant handle peoples problems.. i mean i can la.. just that theres a limit.. i cant take it anymore...

lucy always thought i was out to make her life miserable.. i have better things to do than deal with teenage angst..i wanted to love her.. but she wouldnt let me... so angry.. i felt towards the end i didnt know who she was anymore.. she said shew as trying to be the right girl for me.. ah.. i have happier things to blog abt..

anyway.. i met mel today! haha after so longgg... was going to hotel rendevous or how ever u spell it and thankfully she didnt pon sch today to hang out with me for a while.. still as white and fat as ever...

ok update on life in picture form!!!

ME XY AND JOETTE at KAP!!! WOOOOO

IKEA!

haha..

LTP LOVES XY!!!!

ohh ohhhh and this is a beauty.. its a pewter red rhino model.. dam sweet la.. frigging 200 bucks..

this is a dead rat we caught.. and nelson from the simpsons

u know.. i always have alot of interswting things to blog abt.. but i always get interrupted.. oh well till next timeeee

cheers!!

2007-10-13T21:31:00.000-07:00

Tonight, Not Again"

The night.
She brushed her hands upon my flushed cheek
Smelled of childhood remnants of a dusty weeping willow
Clouds soothe, Shredded by the calico
Were oh so vast and quick as I was on my own now.

This time like every other time I believe that I never find
Another sweet little girl with sequined sea foam eyes
Ocean lapping voice smile coy as the brightest quiet span of sky
And I'm all alone again tonight not again, not again, not again.

And don't it feel allright. and don't it feel so nice. Lovely.

Still I'm unable to inhale all the riches
As I'm awkward as a wound on my bones
Still I've got cobblestone joints and plate glass points
As I'm all by myself tonight not again not againE

And don't it feel allright. and don't it feel so nice. Lovely.

Well if you should nervously break down
When its time for the shakedown would you take it
It's when you cry just a little but you laugh in the middle that you've made it
And don't it feel allright. and don't it feel so nice.
Lovely.

Say it again. Lovely. So lovely. to do it again
Again. Loving again. It's coming again.
Lovely.

when will i see your face again

2007-10-01T04:22:00.000-07:00

i want to blog a long entry abt my x gf lucy.. but i rather play command and conquer right now..so laters!

untill then.. this songs to enjoy!

i realised i'm someone that needs to be in a relationship.. i like having someone in my life..

2007-09-30T06:28:00.000-07:00

hello dead blog..

haha..

wa today i had an awesome day

skated with alvin and jeff at the park and stage... i feel so good doing the dam switch FS shoves.. and then theres to landing VARIAL FLIPS!! YEAH BABY!! hahahhaa..suddenly had a vision in my head, next thing after i land them, i turn around and jeff is pointing his finger at me..

anyway.. heard this dam nice song today called when will i see your face again.. seriously been playing on repeat the whole evening in my head..

and then i'm high on jason mraz.. gaahhh

the hwa chong party is coming up, can feel my self shitting in my pants.. its gonna be a blast

LTP reunion on tuesday.. WOOTZ!

have we forgotten the breeze..

2007-09-05T04:52:00.000-07:00

GAY

Woot = him ___________Woot = her _______WOOT = anger

"The Blowers Daughter"

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time

And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time

And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

mushrooms, sez-a-mee oil and new mushroom recepie.. 1 day off.. =D

2007-08-24T21:32:00.000-07:00

gay

skated yesterday with ken... got my new bearings an new deck unfortunately i dont have a a screwdriver to fix it up.. i can feel my switch improving.. i feel like i can push for an ollie down 3 to 4 now but i guess its still scary.. and then theres the switch 360.. gaahh i feel so close so so so close..

anyway.. skating was pretty interesting yesterday.. romke was back with his unique style.. benji was his gay old minramp self.. and then there were the junoirs.. we had a senior vs junior game of skate..we won the first round but lost the second..i must say it was smth pretty interesting.. i wish alvin was there though...

anyway.. ive had a pretty rough week this week.. emotional roller coaster rides all over the place.. i guess partially i dont know how i feel much abt alot of things anymore.. i do know i love u so much.. but the things said sometimes really hurt.. but i only have my self to blame for the stuff thats happened..

i've been sad since i;'ve entered ns.. i want to be in the kitchen.. i want to study.. i want to progress.. sure i'm progressing in a different way now learning abt being responsible and all that admin stuff but i mean.. i wish i was there.. being amongst other chefs.. burning my hand.. cutting clillis.. commanding what food needs to be fired out first.. decorating the freshly laid plaits and scooping ice cream.. i miss tat.. i miss being my self..

my entry has no link and continuity but this is how i'm feeling.. i've messed up pretty bad.. but i'm willing to pick up the peices if someones gonna be along side to guide me..

WTF AM I TALKING ABT.. this is so not sam

blog

2007-08-21T15:39:00.000-07:00

Everybody knows that I was such a fool
To ever let go of you, but baby I was wrong
Yeah I know I said we'd be better off alone
It was time that we moved on
I know I broke your heart
I didn't mean to break your heart
But baby here I am

Banging on your front door
My pride spilled on the floor
My hands and knees are bruised
And I'm crawling back to you
Begging for a second chance
Are you gonna let me in?
I was running from the truth
And now I'm crawling back to you

I know you're in there
And you can make me wait
But I'm not gonna wait
It's the least that I can do
Just to tell you face-to-face

I was lying to myself
Now I'm dying in this hell
Girl I know you're mad
I can't blame you for being mad
But baby here I am

If you can save these tears from crying
Touch these hands that can't stop shaking
Hear my heart that's barely beating
You will see a different man
But baby here I am

Banging on your front door
My pride spilled on the floor
I was running from the truth
Now I'm crawling back to you

Now I'm crawling back to you
Crawling back to you
Crawling back to you

45 minutes too late

2007-07-31T03:32:00.000-07:00

michelle branch..

when i was younger, one of the first songs michelle branch released on the air was the song all you wanted.. to most alternative people these days, her music sounds like crap, but to me shes realeased great singles such as breathe.. and everywhere.. i know i'm a guy and like i said, only girls appreaciate this genre of music.. but what ever..

the song all you wanted was what a song i;ve always wanted to sing to a girl and let her sing it back to me.. phrases such as :

If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted
was somebody who cares

was something i always wanted to sing to someone.. and for a long time i met no one who wanted to sing with me..

I'm sinking slowly
So hurry hold me
Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on
Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when you're gone

time went by and i slowly forgot and gave up hope of finding anything or anyone to sing with me.. i found my self sinking in to this dam abyss of my self.. people like joette tried to pull me up.. she couldnt, but i can tell u if she didnt that day, i'd not be who i am today..

7 months or so ago a little girl msged me on friendster with the phrase interesting??

honestly i was like wtf.. a girl i was dating said she didnt want to continue anymore and i was at you could say my all time lowest. going to do my national service not being able to be in the kitchen or around my friends or even skate was totally devistating.. suddenly this girl comes into my life and shakes up everything.. she cares, she listens she made me happy.. we went on romantic midnight rendevous or how ever u spell it, we sang in the wee hours of the morning, and shed be the first and last person i'd think abt before i went to sleep.. and this happened for the past 7 months.. i was high.. seriously, cloud 9 would be the exact term..

one of the things she did was actually stick by me when i wanted to walk out.. you see, i got scared easily.. ran away from my problems, at first, great, slowly they'd catch up with me and bite me continously till i got dam depressed.. and by then irripairable damage had been done to the situation which caused me to loose quite a few friends.

we fought and i tried to run.. as far as i did, i kept coming back.. i dont know why.. and she kept pulling me back.. she wouldnt let me run.. she stood by me.. till one day for the first time in my life, i realised, hey.. i'm not gonna run anymore.. i'm not.. no matter how bad the fight, fight to end saving this but dont run and ignore..

unfortuately that event left serious battle scars on her.. i believe now she doesnt trust me anymore..in fact, it made her start running away from me.. i think..

never the less, she changed me, she made me be me again.. i find my self smiling every morning because of her.. this stupid girl who msged me on friendster 7 months ago with one word..

all you wanted was some body who cared.. you cared for me.. now let me care for you..

a miserable day of my past..

2007-07-17T04:58:00.000-07:00

heh.. revival of old blog entries.. i think this is dam true abt what i want..

i wanna meet ur heart, not ur face.
cause a face is just another fa-ce-tious facade.
what more can you explore from a face? zilch.
good things lie deep within, just like diamonds
so rare is the beauty of the heart
as it lies deep within the recesses of ur soul
Please let it be a heart like a goldmine, all shimmery and beautiful
not a landmine that has so much wrath embedded within
that is simply waiting for an unsuspecting soul to step on and it explodes

wa.. gay but so true.. i'm gonna put it on my friendster..

anyway.. this is smth i blogged abt like god knows when.. ok feb 2005.. haha..

Sunday, February 06, 2005
lost..abandoned.. alone.. heck it..

right now.. i feel so... i dunno.. sick.. sick of everything.. like i'm sick of being sad.. i'm definately not happy.. i'm dam confused.. abt everything.. its like i feel like i'm a burden to everyone.. emotionally.. i feel like my life is a total mess.. my mum hates me.. the girl i liked juz told me tat she had been using me.. i cant breathe properly at times.. cant run.. cant skate.. i cant escape.. its like i'm trapped and then again i'm not.. i mean i'm really thank ful to those who got me through these 2 days.. tris xy iona.. tris for letting me stay over and helping me get my mind of things.. xy for juz talking and yeah.. being there and listing to my grumbling and fart.. and iona for offering me yur other house and buying me lunch and stuff.. i really appreiciate it.. still i feel bad.. like i'm taking so much but not giving anything in return.. if there's anyway i could repay u guys i definately would..

sigh.. mel.. u hurt me..alot.. i mean i wasnt hurt and all cause u didnt like me or wadever.. but hurt cause u told me u used me.. like i'm juz a pawn on yur chessboard whod follow yur command..
i really never expected this of u.. to tell me flat in my face i've been using u sam.. i've been taking advantage of yur feelings.. all i wanted to do was make u happy.. see yur gay as smile.. hear yur nonsesical jokes.. but u treated me like a toy.. now u throw me away.. do i hate u? no.. strangely i dont.. guess i dont like holding grudges.. esp against my friends.. well.. i juz dont understand why me.. yur friend.. yur own dam friend.. hell if i were in yur shoes and if some guy i didnt know liked me i'd use him.. well cause i'd have nth to loose.. but it seems like u dont care if u lost me or not.. its like part of me wants to be normal wid u.. but only till u tell me the truth.. will u.. i dont know.. but the other half is like why bother.. juz ignore it and pretend nothing happened.. she doesnt think ur imp to her why should u.. trust me.. u are.. its juz sad to think abt the whole thing.. oh well..

i hate feeling sick.. esp this sick.. black outs.. fatigue.. excessive hunger but no way of eating cause everything juz comes out.. running for like a min and yur heart feels like its gonna explode.. yur nose like this mensutrating waterfall of sticky goo.. never seeming to stop.. yur throat juz feeling like its been peeled like a patato everytime u cough.. ugh.. i hate this... i wanna go away..

i dun want to stay here no more.. it makes me sad.. it makes me sick.. i want to see the world.. see the people.. instead of living this dam monotonous life.. 12 or 13 years of education.. army.. work..
wtf is this.. i have to break free.. i want to break free from this curse of ultimate zombieness..
i feel like some woman.. like not tat i'm a sexist or wad.. i'm really not.. but most guys i know dont care abt this stuff.. may be i'm a 20 year old dumbass who worries abt something tat isnt there..

i really want to follow my dream.. i remember.. when i was younger.. i had 4 dreams i made it a point to accomplish.. weird to come from a 6 year old who knows nth abt wad the journey of life is gonna throw at him i still made these 4 goals..

1. be a chef and hopefully one day win iron chef italy..ok maybe the iron chef italy is abit out of line.. but my facination has always been in the kitchen.. the satisfying of peoples craving.. the gastronomy.. to figure out the right stuff to hit the spot.. the way to control the mind to want more of this fabulous delight.. the beauty of food..

2. far from the first goal but its something tat ive already accomplished.. to be able to ollie over stuff wid without hesitation so tat i need not walk anymore.. juz me and betty.. ok betty didnt exist at the age of 6 but the moment i saw the guy in bukit panjang skate around and ollie up stuff and jump down the 3 stairs.. i knew i wanted to do tat.. at least ive finished one.. rather silly but hey.. i'm happy

3. hard to belive a 6 year old was looking for tat one person out there.. i mean most kids tat young hate the opp sex and are always in the i hate girls and i hate boys and girls suck boys are fools thing.. i juz joined in for i didnt want to be left out.. sadly at the back of my naieve mind, i still wanted someone.. someone i could have interesting conversations wid all night and all day without feeling bored.. some one who'll know when to talk and when to shuddap.. someone wid the exact same weird thinking as me.. who would not be afraid of giving.. whod take things slow.. who enjoy the finer things in life.. pleasure in the slience of the night.. perhaps wid telepathy too.. and if she could teleport..
haha ok i found jean grey from X-men hot.. but i guess we all wish we could find tat person dont we.. (2007... i dont really think shes that hot now..)

and lastfully

4. wad more could a kid want then to make his parents happy.. to make all his closest friends happy.. to lavish them wid riches and put their life at ease.. like never let them feel like they're alone.. juz like they never left me alone.. i guess tat would be my life long goal which i doubt i never could accomplish.. but tat doesnt mean i cant stop trying..

i still wonder why i follow my unrealistic 6 year old dreams... naieve and stubborn to ignore my mothers words tat the world could be a harsh and painful place where in the end everyone cares only abt them selves.. no one will help u.. everyone uses everyone.. everyones a hypocrate.. i never thought it would be true.. betrayal of ones trust.. she was right.. but not totally.. there are some who immediately threw them self to aid my distress call.. to put an end to my endless crying at the playground.. so yeah.. it aint tat bad.. its still ok to live with.. i'm off for now..

2007-07-13T09:06:00.000-07:00

i read my old blog just now..

i cant believe how much i;ve changed..

i'm not totally mature.. but i cant stand alot of things now.. like wa.. for one, pride is fucked up.. why fight when we can make peace.. just fucking ego problems of everyone.. or perhaps fear of being hurt again.. i'm just annoyed by most people.. they complain abt their life.. whine.. say how much it sucks.. and still dont do anything abt it.. sure we can sulk for a couple of days to calm down and think abt things.. but imagine making a decision that could affect your life in the future.. that the thing. people only think abt today.. nt tml..eh.. i'm also like taht.. haha.. but i'm trying not to be..

i find my self getting weaker in skating.. have trouble ollieing over anything more than 4 decks.. which is retarded... i mean there are people like wayne who make me feel better.. haha.. ok sorry if u read this.. but wa.. i'm not getting younger.. i miss the old days.. le tangerine pigeons at chancery.. now its like sad lar.. we get one chance to hang out and skate cause of time clashes and work.. we may not talk much and just chill with no worries.. but the time speant with these guys means the most..

i'm going on a shopping spree.. and a pull up spree too.. haha..

i'm getting easily irritated lately..

i'm messed up..

2007-06-25T06:57:00.000-07:00

i hate this..

i hate this fighting.. i hate you you fucking chee by ass hole mingyi bloody fuck face.. i cant remember the last time i've felt so mad in my entire life.. i hate u i swear.. i cant stand u getting close to lucy... u're making my life miserable..

i'm at my lowest most point in my life now.. i feel dam lousy.. i've hurt lucy.. i've hurt my senior at work.. i've pissed my boss off so much.. i've disappointed my self.. i'm loosing my drive.. i cant be there for xy.. i destroyed my friendship with iona.. i feel like a total wreck..

i've tried and i'm still trying for you..i'm sorry for all the pain ive caused.. other than that.. i feel like my spirit is broken and totally crushed.. i know u're just gonna turn to him.. i know i'm gonna turn against everyone if that happens.. i know i might just give up on everything for a while.. i had this feeling coming today.. and hes gonna win.. i know he is.. i know u want to speak to him right now.. hes gonna be there.. and i'm the last person u wanna speak to.. once again i'm gonna be left here hanging for mistakes i made.. ure right.. i dont deserve u.. i dont deserve anyone..

i'm behaving like a boy and not a man.. if its meant to be, its meant to be.. what bull shit.. u gotta try and keep trying if u really want it.. i just dont feel u want it no more..=( i want to go back to the start.. let me take u there.. scrap the past.. lets start new.. i'm not thomas.. i'm not dom.. i'm sam.. and i hate mingyi.. weather u like it or not, as long as hes gonna be in the picture, i'm gonna be unhappy..

and i hate it when u think i dont believe in u.. i hate it when u think i dont care.. i hate it when u just think i'm agaisnt u.. hello u greyskull.. i love u.. and i'd do anything within my power to make u happy.. i'm tying to be that guy u want me to be but theres only so much i can do at one time.. u just have to see it this time.. i have a good start.. so please.. lets let the ikea dreams come true..