a miserable day of my past..

heh.. revival of old blog entries.. i think this is dam true abt what i want..


i wanna meet ur heart, not ur face.
cause a face is just another fa-ce-tious facade.
what more can you explore from a face? zilch.
good things lie deep within, just like diamonds
so rare is the beauty of the heart
as it lies deep within the recesses of ur soul
Please let it be a heart like a goldmine, all shimmery and beautiful
not a landmine that has so much wrath embedded within
that is simply waiting for an unsuspecting soul to step on and it explodes



wa.. gay but so true.. i'm gonna put it on my friendster..



anyway.. this is smth i blogged abt like god knows when.. ok feb 2005.. haha..

Sunday, February 06, 2005
lost..abandoned.. alone.. heck it..

right now.. i feel so... i dunno.. sick.. sick of everything.. like i'm sick of being sad.. i'm definately not happy.. i'm dam confused.. abt everything.. its like i feel like i'm a burden to everyone.. emotionally.. i feel like my life is a total mess.. my mum hates me.. the girl i liked juz told me tat she had been using me.. i cant breathe properly at times.. cant run.. cant skate.. i cant escape.. its like i'm trapped and then again i'm not.. i mean i'm really thank ful to those who got me through these 2 days.. tris xy iona.. tris for letting me stay over and helping me get my mind of things.. xy for juz talking and yeah.. being there and listing to my grumbling and fart.. and iona for offering me yur other house and buying me lunch and stuff.. i really appreiciate it.. still i feel bad.. like i'm taking so much but not giving anything in return.. if there's anyway i could repay u guys i definately would..

sigh.. mel.. u hurt me..alot.. i mean i wasnt hurt and all cause u didnt like me or wadever.. but hurt cause u told me u used me.. like i'm juz a pawn on yur chessboard whod follow yur command..
i really never expected this of u.. to tell me flat in my face i've been using u sam.. i've been taking advantage of yur feelings.. all i wanted to do was make u happy.. see yur gay as smile.. hear yur nonsesical jokes.. but u treated me like a toy.. now u throw me away.. do i hate u? no.. strangely i dont.. guess i dont like holding grudges.. esp against my friends.. well.. i juz dont understand why me.. yur friend.. yur own dam friend.. hell if i were in yur shoes and if some guy i didnt know liked me i'd use him.. well cause i'd have nth to loose.. but it seems like u dont care if u lost me or not.. its like part of me wants to be normal wid u.. but only till u tell me the truth.. will u.. i dont know.. but the other half is like why bother.. juz ignore it and pretend nothing happened.. she doesnt think ur imp to her why should u.. trust me.. u are.. its juz sad to think abt the whole thing.. oh well..

i hate feeling sick.. esp this sick.. black outs.. fatigue.. excessive hunger but no way of eating cause everything juz comes out.. running for like a min and yur heart feels like its gonna explode.. yur nose like this mensutrating waterfall of sticky goo.. never seeming to stop.. yur throat juz feeling like its been peeled like a patato everytime u cough.. ugh.. i hate this... i wanna go away..

i dun want to stay here no more.. it makes me sad.. it makes me sick.. i want to see the world.. see the people.. instead of living this dam monotonous life.. 12 or 13 years of education.. army.. work..
wtf is this.. i have to break free.. i want to break free from this curse of ultimate zombieness..
i feel like some woman.. like not tat i'm a sexist or wad.. i'm really not.. but most guys i know dont care abt this stuff.. may be i'm a 20 year old dumbass who worries abt something tat isnt there..

i really want to follow my dream.. i remember.. when i was younger.. i had 4 dreams i made it a point to accomplish.. weird to come from a 6 year old who knows nth abt wad the journey of life is gonna throw at him i still made these 4 goals..

1. be a chef and hopefully one day win iron chef italy..ok maybe the iron chef italy is abit out of line.. but my facination has always been in the kitchen.. the satisfying of peoples craving.. the gastronomy.. to figure out the right stuff to hit the spot.. the way to control the mind to want more of this fabulous delight.. the beauty of food..

2. far from the first goal but its something tat ive already accomplished.. to be able to ollie over stuff wid without hesitation so tat i need not walk anymore.. juz me and betty.. ok betty didnt exist at the age of 6 but the moment i saw the guy in bukit panjang skate around and ollie up stuff and jump down the 3 stairs.. i knew i wanted to do tat.. at least ive finished one.. rather silly but hey.. i'm happy

3. hard to belive a 6 year old was looking for tat one person out there.. i mean most kids tat young hate the opp sex and are always in the i hate girls and i hate boys and girls suck boys are fools thing.. i juz joined in for i didnt want to be left out.. sadly at the back of my naieve mind, i still wanted someone.. someone i could have interesting conversations wid all night and all day without feeling bored.. some one who'll know when to talk and when to shuddap.. someone wid the exact same weird thinking as me.. who would not be afraid of giving.. whod take things slow.. who enjoy the finer things in life.. pleasure in the slience of the night.. perhaps wid telepathy too.. and if she could teleport..
haha ok i found jean grey from X-men hot.. but i guess we all wish we could find tat person dont we.. (2007... i dont really think shes that hot now..)

and lastfully

4. wad more could a kid want then to make his parents happy.. to make all his closest friends happy.. to lavish them wid riches and put their life at ease.. like never let them feel like they're alone.. juz like they never left me alone.. i guess tat would be my life long goal which i doubt i never could accomplish.. but tat doesnt mean i cant stop trying..

i still wonder why i follow my unrealistic 6 year old dreams... naieve and stubborn to ignore my mothers words tat the world could be a harsh and painful place where in the end everyone cares only abt them selves.. no one will help u.. everyone uses everyone.. everyones a hypocrate.. i never thought it would be true.. betrayal of ones trust.. she was right.. but not totally.. there are some who immediately threw them self to aid my distress call.. to put an end to my endless crying at the playground.. so yeah.. it aint tat bad.. its still ok to live with.. i'm off for now..