i look at my self in the mirror.. and say fuck this shit..

so.. here maybe the only place where i prob can talk without bragging or bringing someone down..i'm happy.. i'm getting promoted.. i'm happy cause of the pay.. i'm happy cause i conquered my fears of foot drill.. i'm happy cause of those 7 hours spent doing my presentation prep i got second highest.. i'm happy that the point difference was only 0.5 and that as much as i was shitting in my pants, i didnt.. i got heat rash though.. i'm happy i could ollie properly FOR TODAY.. at least today... i'm happy i landed 3 nollie bigspin heels.. go you tube it.. i'm happy i'm 77 + and cant see my ribs..

its strange.. i hardly seem to fit in anywhere.. i feel dam quiet..and reluctant to share emotions.. i'm ok.. sure there are tonnes of things getting me down.. unfortunately half of them arnt even my probs but i cant do jack shit for the people who have them.. dam gay.. i need stoning..


i'm also glad i got posted to PAD..

u see.. this is why i dont like getting emotionally attached to people..

when they feel like cutting u off, its just your prob to deal with it your self..

i dont really believe in hope these days.. i believe in calculative risks..

my guards up.. its gonna be up for a very long time..

i'm happy that u're happy..


it just disturbs me that i believed in you but i should have listend to your bro when he told me i was wasting my time..


like i always say.. god is fair.. he makes u pretty, but fucking stupid as hell..

wont be long before the crap starts ALLLLL over again..




on another note.. I"M SINGAPOREAN!!! (in 2 days..)

standing alone in this huge room with machines and heavy compact thingy's made me realise how much pain i was in at that very moment. my stomach on the verge of tossing everything i had eaten in the past hour out all over the rubber mats.. my palms and forearms in so much pain i had to use my the alternate hands to close each other. the reoccouring question is, ah fuck why am i doing this..? whats the bloody point?

i'll tell you whats the point. the point is when you walk down orchard road and bump into your old friends and they notice you've gotten bigger.. when your clothes feel tighter.. when you for the first time feel like spanking your self when you look at your butt in the mirror.. thats the fucking point.. and thats what i kept telling my self when i wanted to drop the weights yesterday.. thats what i kept telling my self when did my 2.4.. one more one more one more one more one more..


but heres the fucked up thing.. i cant do it alone.... every individual aspect that can be done i am doing. from nutrition to rest to actually bringing shit to work to make sure i'm getting the best time management for my stomach.. the most important thing is the gym but my gym mates are just too caught up in strange excuses. ok to me they are excuses..



so i went to town today.. and then i met an old someone whom i dont know why the hell i'm so attracted to.. shes fat.. short.. horrible dress sense.. but still i dont know why i think shes so dam gorgeous.. i dont like her.. i just like being around her.. i like talking to her.. its strange cause i'd never do anything to like try to win her heart.. i guess cause most of the time this year i've been feeling like no one can even cause me to gain just a little interest in them.. and i like having interest in someone.. i havent had that feeling in a long time..