45 minutes too late

michelle branch..


when i was younger, one of the first songs michelle branch released on the air was the song all you wanted.. to most alternative people these days, her music sounds like crap, but to me shes realeased great singles such as breathe.. and everywhere.. i know i'm a guy and like i said, only girls appreaciate this genre of music.. but what ever..

the song all you wanted was what a song i;ve always wanted to sing to a girl and let her sing it back to me.. phrases such as :

If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted
was somebody who cares

was something i always wanted to sing to someone.. and for a long time i met no one who wanted to sing with me..


I'm sinking slowly
So hurry hold me
Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on
Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when you're gone

time went by and i slowly forgot and gave up hope of finding anything or anyone to sing with me.. i found my self sinking in to this dam abyss of my self.. people like joette tried to pull me up.. she couldnt, but i can tell u if she didnt that day, i'd not be who i am today..


7 months or so ago a little girl msged me on friendster with the phrase interesting??

honestly i was like wtf.. a girl i was dating said she didnt want to continue anymore and i was at you could say my all time lowest. going to do my national service not being able to be in the kitchen or around my friends or even skate was totally devistating.. suddenly this girl comes into my life and shakes up everything.. she cares, she listens she made me happy.. we went on romantic midnight rendevous or how ever u spell it, we sang in the wee hours of the morning, and shed be the first and last person i'd think abt before i went to sleep.. and this happened for the past 7 months.. i was high.. seriously, cloud 9 would be the exact term..

one of the things she did was actually stick by me when i wanted to walk out.. you see, i got scared easily.. ran away from my problems, at first, great, slowly they'd catch up with me and bite me continously till i got dam depressed.. and by then irripairable damage had been done to the situation which caused me to loose quite a few friends.

we fought and i tried to run.. as far as i did, i kept coming back.. i dont know why.. and she kept pulling me back.. she wouldnt let me run.. she stood by me.. till one day for the first time in my life, i realised, hey.. i'm not gonna run anymore.. i'm not.. no matter how bad the fight, fight to end saving this but dont run and ignore..

unfortuately that event left serious battle scars on her.. i believe now she doesnt trust me anymore..in fact, it made her start running away from me.. i think..

never the less, she changed me, she made me be me again.. i find my self smiling every morning because of her.. this stupid girl who msged me on friendster 7 months ago with one word..

all you wanted was some body who cared.. you cared for me.. now let me care for you..

a miserable day of my past..

heh.. revival of old blog entries.. i think this is dam true abt what i want..


i wanna meet ur heart, not ur face.
cause a face is just another fa-ce-tious facade.
what more can you explore from a face? zilch.
good things lie deep within, just like diamonds
so rare is the beauty of the heart
as it lies deep within the recesses of ur soul
Please let it be a heart like a goldmine, all shimmery and beautiful
not a landmine that has so much wrath embedded within
that is simply waiting for an unsuspecting soul to step on and it explodes



wa.. gay but so true.. i'm gonna put it on my friendster..



anyway.. this is smth i blogged abt like god knows when.. ok feb 2005.. haha..

Sunday, February 06, 2005
lost..abandoned.. alone.. heck it..

right now.. i feel so... i dunno.. sick.. sick of everything.. like i'm sick of being sad.. i'm definately not happy.. i'm dam confused.. abt everything.. its like i feel like i'm a burden to everyone.. emotionally.. i feel like my life is a total mess.. my mum hates me.. the girl i liked juz told me tat she had been using me.. i cant breathe properly at times.. cant run.. cant skate.. i cant escape.. its like i'm trapped and then again i'm not.. i mean i'm really thank ful to those who got me through these 2 days.. tris xy iona.. tris for letting me stay over and helping me get my mind of things.. xy for juz talking and yeah.. being there and listing to my grumbling and fart.. and iona for offering me yur other house and buying me lunch and stuff.. i really appreiciate it.. still i feel bad.. like i'm taking so much but not giving anything in return.. if there's anyway i could repay u guys i definately would..

sigh.. mel.. u hurt me..alot.. i mean i wasnt hurt and all cause u didnt like me or wadever.. but hurt cause u told me u used me.. like i'm juz a pawn on yur chessboard whod follow yur command..
i really never expected this of u.. to tell me flat in my face i've been using u sam.. i've been taking advantage of yur feelings.. all i wanted to do was make u happy.. see yur gay as smile.. hear yur nonsesical jokes.. but u treated me like a toy.. now u throw me away.. do i hate u? no.. strangely i dont.. guess i dont like holding grudges.. esp against my friends.. well.. i juz dont understand why me.. yur friend.. yur own dam friend.. hell if i were in yur shoes and if some guy i didnt know liked me i'd use him.. well cause i'd have nth to loose.. but it seems like u dont care if u lost me or not.. its like part of me wants to be normal wid u.. but only till u tell me the truth.. will u.. i dont know.. but the other half is like why bother.. juz ignore it and pretend nothing happened.. she doesnt think ur imp to her why should u.. trust me.. u are.. its juz sad to think abt the whole thing.. oh well..

i hate feeling sick.. esp this sick.. black outs.. fatigue.. excessive hunger but no way of eating cause everything juz comes out.. running for like a min and yur heart feels like its gonna explode.. yur nose like this mensutrating waterfall of sticky goo.. never seeming to stop.. yur throat juz feeling like its been peeled like a patato everytime u cough.. ugh.. i hate this... i wanna go away..

i dun want to stay here no more.. it makes me sad.. it makes me sick.. i want to see the world.. see the people.. instead of living this dam monotonous life.. 12 or 13 years of education.. army.. work..
wtf is this.. i have to break free.. i want to break free from this curse of ultimate zombieness..
i feel like some woman.. like not tat i'm a sexist or wad.. i'm really not.. but most guys i know dont care abt this stuff.. may be i'm a 20 year old dumbass who worries abt something tat isnt there..

i really want to follow my dream.. i remember.. when i was younger.. i had 4 dreams i made it a point to accomplish.. weird to come from a 6 year old who knows nth abt wad the journey of life is gonna throw at him i still made these 4 goals..

1. be a chef and hopefully one day win iron chef italy..ok maybe the iron chef italy is abit out of line.. but my facination has always been in the kitchen.. the satisfying of peoples craving.. the gastronomy.. to figure out the right stuff to hit the spot.. the way to control the mind to want more of this fabulous delight.. the beauty of food..

2. far from the first goal but its something tat ive already accomplished.. to be able to ollie over stuff wid without hesitation so tat i need not walk anymore.. juz me and betty.. ok betty didnt exist at the age of 6 but the moment i saw the guy in bukit panjang skate around and ollie up stuff and jump down the 3 stairs.. i knew i wanted to do tat.. at least ive finished one.. rather silly but hey.. i'm happy

3. hard to belive a 6 year old was looking for tat one person out there.. i mean most kids tat young hate the opp sex and are always in the i hate girls and i hate boys and girls suck boys are fools thing.. i juz joined in for i didnt want to be left out.. sadly at the back of my naieve mind, i still wanted someone.. someone i could have interesting conversations wid all night and all day without feeling bored.. some one who'll know when to talk and when to shuddap.. someone wid the exact same weird thinking as me.. who would not be afraid of giving.. whod take things slow.. who enjoy the finer things in life.. pleasure in the slience of the night.. perhaps wid telepathy too.. and if she could teleport..
haha ok i found jean grey from X-men hot.. but i guess we all wish we could find tat person dont we.. (2007... i dont really think shes that hot now..)

and lastfully

4. wad more could a kid want then to make his parents happy.. to make all his closest friends happy.. to lavish them wid riches and put their life at ease.. like never let them feel like they're alone.. juz like they never left me alone.. i guess tat would be my life long goal which i doubt i never could accomplish.. but tat doesnt mean i cant stop trying..

i still wonder why i follow my unrealistic 6 year old dreams... naieve and stubborn to ignore my mothers words tat the world could be a harsh and painful place where in the end everyone cares only abt them selves.. no one will help u.. everyone uses everyone.. everyones a hypocrate.. i never thought it would be true.. betrayal of ones trust.. she was right.. but not totally.. there are some who immediately threw them self to aid my distress call.. to put an end to my endless crying at the playground.. so yeah.. it aint tat bad.. its still ok to live with.. i'm off for now..

i read my old blog just now..


i cant believe how much i;ve changed..

i'm not totally mature.. but i cant stand alot of things now.. like wa.. for one, pride is fucked up.. why fight when we can make peace.. just fucking ego problems of everyone.. or perhaps fear of being hurt again.. i'm just annoyed by most people.. they complain abt their life.. whine.. say how much it sucks.. and still dont do anything abt it.. sure we can sulk for a couple of days to calm down and think abt things.. but imagine making a decision that could affect your life in the future.. that the thing. people only think abt today.. nt tml..eh.. i'm also like taht.. haha.. but i'm trying not to be..


i find my self getting weaker in skating.. have trouble ollieing over anything more than 4 decks.. which is retarded... i mean there are people like wayne who make me feel better.. haha.. ok sorry if u read this.. but wa.. i'm not getting younger.. i miss the old days.. le tangerine pigeons at chancery.. now its like sad lar.. we get one chance to hang out and skate cause of time clashes and work.. we may not talk much and just chill with no worries.. but the time speant with these guys means the most..


i'm going on a shopping spree.. and a pull up spree too.. haha..



i'm getting easily irritated lately..